Joke Quotes

We’ve sourced some of the most interesting and thought-provoking Joke Quotes from Akiva Schaffer, Chance The Rapper, Jana Kramer, Thomas Keneally, Paul Pogba. Each of the following quotes is overflowing with creativity, and knowledge.

What 'SNL' taught me that was useful on 'The Watch' was

What ‘SNL’ taught me that was useful on ‘The Watch’ was, only put in bad words if they can get a laugh – there was no need for swear words and beeps in places that weren’t necessary. Those beeps should only be in there when they mean something and it’s important to the joke.
Akiva Schaffer
There’s so much positivity in the world and your day-to-day life that to go as far as to say that you hate something or you wish it didn’t exist and all the bad things in the world happen to you and only you, it’s a joke. It’s not real to have that much hate in your heart.
Chance The Rapper
I was a bit scared because I came from the acting world. There was a fear that people would think of me kind of as a joke. But really, people think of me as a country artist who can act. That’s my favorite compliment.
Jana Kramer
And I liked pluralist Australia. I got a taste for pluralist Australia. I like, I like Australians and I can’t believe that they’re going to go to hell because they tell a good dirty joke, you know.
Thomas Keneally
The real Pogba is the one you see every time. You know, when I’m on the pitch, I cannot act. I’m not an actor. So when I’m in the pitch, I like to joke and laugh, and outside the pitch, I’m the same. For me, I’m normal. I come and play football. I do what I love.
Paul Pogba
I laugh and joke, but I don’t get distracted very easily.
LeBron James
Kids enjoy laughing and are seldom bored when they find something funny. They also ask questions, often to adults, because they understand that the more words they can comprehend about a funny story or a joke, the more they’ll enjoy it.
Brian P. Cleary
Basically, we used to have a rule at ‘Saturday Night Live’ that you’re not allowed to bring up ‘The Simpsons’ at the rewrite table, because ‘The Simpsons’ has done every joke there is. Every week there would be guys going, ‘The Simpsons did that.’ I go, ‘C’mon.’ And ‘South Park,’ too.
Adam McKay
I’m not making comedy albums. That’s too much effort for one joke.
Matt Berry
The whole westward expansion myth is seen as romantic. But it’s a joke, a blot on American history.
Frank Waters
I don’t know how to tell a joke. I never tell jokes. I can tell stories that happened to me… anecdotes. But never a joke.
Lucille Ball
I will do almost anything for the sake of a joke or for the sake of someone’s real belief in something to help tell a story. I will not do something shocking for the sake of being nasty. If it’s not hurting anyone’s feelings, I’m in on the joke.
Selma Blair
If I sit down to write a joke about, whatever, the polluted Gulf of Mexico, it comes out mundane to me.
Ron White
Sometimes an actor will stumble on the joke, and I’m right on them. Back it up before the audience hears the bad version of the joke, because humor is 90% surprise. If they know what’s coming, they won’t laugh as hard.
James Burrows
Algorithms diminish public safety in this country. They ask us to pretend that lengthy arrest records and violent crimes don’t matter. They ask police to scoop up the bad guys only for the courts to immediately release them. They turn us into a bad joke.
John Kennedy
In movies, you don’t get reactions: Live, when you do a joke, you know in a second whether it’s good or bad. But in a movie, since no one is allowed to laugh or do anything, when you’re done with a scene, you’re left asking, ‘Was that funny?’
Carrot Top
It has always seemed a cruel joke to me that the very word ‘stutter’ is difficult for many stutterers to pronounce. It is onomatopoeic, an imitation of the halting, repetitive sound made by people with this speech dysfunction.
Kate Forsyth
Stewardesses were a joke to many of us coming of age in the liberated Sixties. They were no joke in the women’s movement that liberated us, however.
Cathleen Schine
So when you tell a joke, you want to make someone laugh, or if you tell a story about someone who had a heart attack, it may be because you want the listener to exercise. Stories are tools to create social cohesion and to get humans to strategize together.
Peter Guber
Writing comedy is an exposing thing because you’re putting yourself on the line with every joke you write, and although you can’t second-guess an audience, if you want to be successful, you have to write stuff people like.
Catherine Tate
I sometimes joke that I can take personal responsibility for saving one million human relationships.
Jaan Tallinn
I think that every show on television has its place. I think Married With Children or, I don’t know, The Nanny… some people want to go home, turn on the TV and be able to iron their clothes or grab a sandwich. Come out and catch a joke and not have to follow the story.
Peter Krause
A symphony is no joke.
Johannes Brahms
I think when you dissect a joke too much, you have ruined whatever there is in comedy.
Bob Saget
Comedy has always been important in my family. If you got in a good joke at the dinner table, it meant more than almost anything else.
Isla Fisher
I detest jokes – when somebody tells me one, I feel my IQ dropping; the brain cells start to disappear. But something is funny when the person delivering the line doesn’t know it’s funny or doesn’t treat it as a joke. Maybe it comes from a place of truth, or it’s a sort of rage against society.
Johnny Depp
I learned a long time ago from when I did ‘Seinfeld’ never to take anything seriously, and to be part of the joke is the best way to show what a good sport I was.
Marlee Matlin
I’m not much of a joke writer.
Ben Falcone
Sex is God’s joke on human beings.
Bette Davis
Telling a joke is risk taking. Younger people are more insecure and not willing to put themselves on the line, so a quick one-liner is much safer.
Robert Orben
My way of joking is to tell the truth. That’s the funniest joke in the world.
Muhammad Ali
My joke is that three black people watch ‘The Daily Show’ at any given time. So if I’m watching it, that counts, and there’s only two left. It’s a silly joke, but you know, different types of comedy reach different cultures.
Larry Wilmore
I feel dyslexia is a strong point in me now. I usually joke that it’s like a superpower – you only have it if you’ve got it!
James William Middleton
My friends are people who like building cool stuff. We always have this joke about people who want to just start companies without making something valuable. There’s a lot of that in Silicon Valley.
Mark Zuckerberg
Women always think that I’m Chandler, so if I don’t joke around for half an hour, they think that something’s wrong. Then I explain that I don’t have comedy writers scripting everything I’m saying at this particular dinner.
Matthew Perry
If you keep up with pop culture, everybody knows the joke.
Shawn Wayans
To go from Girl, Interrupted, where I had to cry every day, to a TV show like West Wing where I get to laugh and joke around every day, has been a welcome relief.
Elisabeth Moss
There’s no such thing as a hit joke.
Ron White
U.S. soldiers, with whom I now have more than a passing acquaintance, joke that they track my movements in order to know where they will be deployed next.
Christiane Amanpour
I don’t wear much makeup, except during work. I felt lucky to be chosen to be a model. I used to joke, ‘The next best thing to winning the lottery is having a beauty contract.’
Isabella Rossellini
Gene Autry was the most. It may sound like a joke – Go and have a look in my bedroom, It’s covered with Gene Autry posters. He was my first musical influence.
Ringo Starr
I remember when I was in college, I used to watch Julia Child’s cooking show during dinner and joke with my roommates about becoming a TV chef.
Martin Yan
It’s a cosmic joke that I’m a lesbian, because I understand men so well but women are a complete mystery to me.
Lea DeLaria
I love to play the game, love to be around the rink, and love to joke around with my teammates and have some fun.
Patrick Kane
When I’m concentrating, I can be fixed in place for hours. In fact, there was a joke in my office that everybody would come and chat outside my door because they knew – no matter how loud they talked – if I was concentrating, it would not disturb me at all.
Sonia Sotomayor
Watching movies in the U.S. is great fun because they get every joke, they smile, they laugh so much; it’s a great feeling.
Jet Li
Everything I say is a joke. I am a joke myself.
Karl Lagerfeld
I’m a diplomat by nature. I help find the middle ground. I crack a joke and use humour to help resolve potentially vicious situations quickly. It gets things in perspective and helps everyone to see that things aren’t as bad as they seem.
Ronnie Wood
I never knew what basketball was. I started playing on the playground. People used to laugh at me and joke at me because I was so tall and I didn’t know the game and couldn’t play it.
Patrick Ewing
Yoga in America is a joke.
Bikram Choudhury
Every bad joke, every endorsement deal, all of the things that a typical host would normally get creamed for, people don’t mind, because they know I don’t cheat when it comes to the work I actually try. I’m a lab rat. I’m a perpetual apprentice. The joke is on me if there is one.
Mike Rowe
For comedians, we’re all kind of tweeting our thoughts instead of spending time developing them. You can gauge how good a joke might be by how many times it gets retweeted, but it takes discipline to go back through the tweets and then develop jokes from them.
Natasha Leggero
In the India I was growing up in, history wasn’t really a wise career option. People would joke and say, ‘History’s okay, but what’s your actual job?’ I didn’t come from a privileged background and couldn’t afford to be irresponsible, so I did the pragmatic thing and did a MBA.
Amish Tripathi
I remember being in high school and this guy saying to me, ‘You’d actually be good-looking if you didn’t joke around so much.’ That affected me, and so I stopped joking around, and I stopped being a goof because I thought people would like me better.
Melanie Scrofano
To single out a particular group and say we can’t make a joke about them is almost a form of prejudice and it’s kind of patronizing.
Sacha Baron Cohen
You never know when you’ll have a bad idea for a worse joke.
Benjamin Walker
I’m quite a reserved person, a bit shy at first when I don’t know someone. I like to have a laugh and a joke; people have seen that in me.
Anthony Martial
I used to joke I was a point-and-click actor. My whole process has been about trusting your instincts and hitting your mark.
Daniel Radcliffe
As an actor, your life is constant ups and downs. My friends and I joke that when a job ends and nothing is lined up, you have nothing to do for the rest of your life. You just ride that wave.
Ari Graynor
I make funny videos. I hate saying I’m a comedian because then people stick their finger in your face and demand you tell a joke. But the other thing people call me is ‘a YouTube sensation,’ which is even worse.
Katie Nolan
I like the rhythm of comedy in dramas, if that makes sense. In other words, I don’t want to write setup, punch, setup, punch, where the joke dictates the scene; I want to find comedy in which the drama is actually driving the moment in the scene.
Rob Thomas
Whenever we’re on the red carpet, we look like competition winners. It’s a joke.
Dan Smith
That was really so upsetting when you are trying to pass on some very serious knowledge and be basically, treated worse than a student coming off the street because his father pays the tuition. Come on. Give me a break. This is no school. This is a joke.
Miroslav Vitous
Any comic is a very good actor. Look at Don Rickles. He is saying the same joke every night for 20 years and making it look like he just thought of it.
Joan Rivers
Oh, I love critics. Because they love me. It’s not a joke. They care.
What I’ve said before, only half in joke, is that everybody in Ireland is famous. Or, maybe better, say everybody is familiar.
Seamus Heaney
Every morning, I would actually look at the obituaries before I had breakfast. And as a joke I said if I was not in it, I would have the breakfast.
Carl Reiner
If I go and buy a coffee, and somebody asks me what I do, I’ll say, ‘I find asteroids.’ And the first thing they always do is make a Bruce Willis joke, or they are going to bring up Armageddon.
Carrie Nugent
My siblings would tease me and call me big friendly or freaky giant, and later, when I was approached about modeling, they would joke, ‘The BFG is gonna be a model? That clunky thing?’ They know how to keep me in check all right.
Kelly Rohrbach
We always joke that our road crew will have to wheelchair us up onstage soon because this is what we do. This is what we love to do. This is what God put us on earth to do until the day we take our last breath.
Johnny Van Zant
I’ve made a lot of grown men cry with laughter, because I really am quite the joke.
Peta Wilson
I’d buy joke books and try doing them at school; I always had jokes. That would be my go-to thing at parties: I’d be able to get through them if I just told enough jokes. Otherwise, I wouldn’t end up talking to anybody.
Drew Carey
I joke every day, pranks, sometimes.
Joao Moutinho
I tend to think some things are off-limits. Not in the sense that you should not be able to say them, but you need some care about how and when you go into them. If you wanted to make a joke about concentration camps you should think twice. At least twice.
Stuart Hall
My friends always joke that I run on batteries.
Alexander Wang
For someone to say that marriage is only about procreation is a joke. I didn’t marry my husband to have children. I married my husband because I love my husband.
Aisha Tyler
My only rule about a joke is that it should be funny.
Ann Coulter
I thought it was a joke at first, but the president did, in fact, authorize an autopen to sign the Patriot Act extension into law. Consider the dangerous precedent this sets. Any number of circumstances could arise in the future where the public could question whether or not the president authorized the use of an autopen.
Tom Graves
The joke newspaper, it says Canada abandons the monarchy.
Mark McKinney
I have 16 plays, and we don’t ever do subtitles. You can’t do subtitles in the theater, so I was like, ‘I’m not gonna do subtitles.’ You’ll never lose the story. There might be a little joke that you might miss, but you’ll never miss the story, even in the Spanglish of it.
Tanya Saracho
Sometimes I wonder why God ever trusts talent in the hands of women, they usually make such an infernal mess of it. I think He must do it as a sort of ghastly joke.
Willa Cather
The one thing I think I’ve noticed about shows that are supposed to be funny on television is that they’ve sort of become routinized, so there’s an awful lot of mannerisms and joke lines that are sort of there to trigger laughter, rather than give actors a chance to play a moment.
Alan Alda
Vicodin, I got addicted to that little pill. The reason I don’t talk about it too much in the press is because it isn’t funny, and I love to be funny in interviews. If you joke about that period in your life, it doesn’t seem right.
Matthew Perry
Whatever is funny is subversive, every joke is ultimately a custard pie… a dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion.
George Orwell
I need your help. I am injured, near death, and too weak to hike out of here. I am all alone. This is no joke. In the name of God, please remain to save me. I am out collecting berries close by and shall return this evening. Thank you, Chris McCandless.
Christopher McCandless
Even when I lecture per se, I am a joke comedian, I can do the voices.
Dave Pelzer
I was always interested in comedy, like when I was 5 years old. I watched ‘I Love Lucy’ and ‘Benny Hill.’ I would always joke around with my sister. My mom was into comedy, too. She would go to the video store and get a couple of movies and some stand-up comedians’ tapes.
Ron Funches
The reality is, to watch Jon Stewart, you already have to have watched the news. In other words, it’s not funny if he does a joke about John McCain and they don’t know who John McCain is.
Roger Ailes
I’m promoting positivity. I’m promoting happiness and loving yourself and having fun. But it’s not a joke.
Lil Yachty
I always thought of Levittown as a joke.
Bill Griffith
I don’t think comedy is necessarily an attack. It’s finding humour in life. I don’t think if you’re making a joke about something you’re automatically demeaning it.
David Walliams
For me, a great joke is an idea expressed in extremely concentrated form.
Geoff Dyer
It’s fun to deliver material on live TV because it’s more off-the-cuff, but I like writing better. You really can measure the joke, think an extra second and nail the right reference.
Willie Geist
One thing I hate in ethnic comedy is giving the audience the opportunity to laugh in a racist way at a thing. A lot of times dwarf comedians will do that, Arab comics, and gay comics will do it; everyone is laughing, but they’re not laughing at the joke, they’re laughing at this crazy character.
Ari Shaffir
I have defined values and I’m honest about those leanings. But I have no allegiance to any particular political team. I only have an allegiance to those values and the truth. And I’m open to hearing how I’m wrong and I’m open to being the butt of the joke.
Will Cain
It’s funny, you know, growing up, you are always introduced to people as your uncle this or your aunt that or your cousin this. By the time I was in my 20s, I had no idea who I actually was or wasn’t related to. It’s kind of a running joke in the family.
Johnny Iuzzini
Well, I mean, if a joke or humor is bawdy, it’s got to be funny enough to warrant it. You can’t just have it bawdy or dirty just for the sake of being that – it’s got to be funny.
Betty White
Whenever I walk off the golf course, I thank God that I’m able to tell a joke. I thank God I’m good at something.
Ray Romano
If you think before you speak the other guy gets his joke in first.
Jimmy Nail
I didn’t plan to be the rude middle-class comedian. You write a certain type of joke that you find funny, and mine happen to be often rude. Yes, it’s juvenile, but that’s me.
Jimmy Carr
The thing that’s changed the way I do my stand-up act is having kids and getting older and wiser and smarter. There might be a joke or two in the past that I wish I hadn’t done, but in the past, you can’t have it back.
Larry the Cable Guy
I stumbled on a joke idea and style that worked, the audience went with it and, from that moment on, I was hooked. It’s an amazing feeling.
Marcus Brigstocke
I used to think of it as a joke that all paranoids were right. That was a joke in the ’60s, but now I’m convinced that people should be paranoid reflexively – and then pare it down from there if there’s any indication that they’re wrong.
Richard Belzer
If your regime is not strong enough to handle a joke, then you don’t have a regime.
Jon Stewart
Laughter is binary: It either happens or it doesn’t. As each joke arrives in the course of a film, the cavernous space of the theater is either filled with joy and laughter or with the quiet of cringing embarrassment. Every time you step to the plate to make a joke, you’re going to experience one or the other.
David Dobkin
Taking the time to polish a pun or fine-tune a practical joke is a way of saying, ‘I’m thinking about you and I want to please you.’
Andrew Hudgins
Housekeeping ain’t no joke.
Louisa May Alcott
I tell stories. Because I believe you can do things that joke tellers can’t do, and that is, bring your audience along.
Bill Cosby
As much as we joke around about ‘The Bachelor’ being the most dramatic show ever, Miss America really is an amazingly dramatic moment.
Chris Harrison
My comedy notebooks are filled with random journal entries. It’s all the same. I can look back on old joke notebooks, and know exactly what was going on in my life.
Sarah Silverman
My dad? He worked at a steel plant over in Charleston. Night shift. Nine at night to nine in the morning, no joke.
A. J. Green
Early on, people told me I was making Chinese people look bad. I’ve been living with this accent. I had already been doing standup for a while. I knew my voice already. I myself never wanted to make my accent the butt of the joke. I never want it to be, ‘I’m laughing at your accent.’
Ronny Chieng
If the worst thing happening to Middle Eastern people is that Carlos Mencia is doing a joke about them being stopped at airports, that’s a pretty awesome state of affairs.
Carlos Mencia
I didn’t just want to be Frank’s daughter who sang Boots. I take my music very seriously and studied very hard. It’s not a joke to me.
Nancy Sinatra
A joke is just a paintbrush. It takes someone funny to paint something beautiful.
Andrew Schulz
In life there are always these things happening if you can just get the joke.
Lynda Barry
The idea that any performer type is owed anything is a joke to me.
Henry Rollins
With silly stuff, it’s seventy-five percent confidence. I always tell people that it’s because I’m nervous about getting that next laugh and I need to hear it. I always want to condense a joke.
Tim Vine
The humanists’ replacement for religion: work really hard and somehow you’ll either save yourself or you’ll be immortal. Of course, that’s a total joke, and our progress is nothing. There may be progress in technology but there’s no ethical progress whatsoever.
David Bowie
On Twitter, when someone would die, I would write a joke. Or if there’s a tragedy, I would write a joke and tweet it. That was my thing, and then at a certain point, people started demanding it.
Anthony Jeselnik
You have to be highly intelligent to get away with a dumb joke. That takes a pretty smart fella.
Tracy Morgan
Many comedians and comedy writers have shared the childhood experience of learning to joke to protect themselves from neighborhood bullies when challenge or physical defense were not among the sensible options.
Steve Allen
The whole idea of a spokesman is a joke and a fraud if you drop someone like a hot potato if there’s controversy.
Jerry Della Femina
There can be a science to joke writing, there are certainly rules and patterns that can be followed, but I think most of the best comedy goes beyond the rules.
Robin Ince
I always make a joke that they transplanted Martina McBride’s eyes and put them in my head.
Blake Shelton
Completely committed to adapting ‘Fifty Shades of Grey’. This is not a joke. Christian Grey and Ana: potentially great cinematic characters.
Bret Easton Ellis
There’s a joke that I do where I make fun of myself for being bow-legged, and I compare myself to a camel and how a camel walks and sits, and that has become a joke that people – when I deliver that joke, people are in tears.
Anjelah Johnson
Writing books is fun because after I do a show for a couple hours, I’m in a bus for 22 hours. It’s not hard for me to look out the window and tell a joke here and there.
Willie Nelson
When you’re in the editing room, the dangerous thing is that it becomes like telling a joke again and again and again. Eventually, the joke starts to not be funny. So you have to be careful that you’re not throwing the baby out with the bath water.
Ridley Scott
Witticism. A sharp and clever remark, usually quoted and seldom noted; what the Philistine is pleased to call a joke.
Ambrose Bierce
I think repeating yourself is a sign of old age, telling the same joke again and again. Especially if they’re jokes that don’t make people laugh.
Simon Le Bon
I ain’t apologizing for anything, especially if it’s a joke.
Artie Lange
My writers on ‘Liv And Maddie’ have started a running joke to try and sneak as many ‘literally’s into the script as they can to throw me.
Dove Cameron
I do a lot of public speaking and presentations and I’ll always start with a self-deprecating joke to make everybody feel comfortable with my size because there can be hang-ups and anxieties.
Warwick Davis
Guys will definitely settle for women who get the joke. But a woman who can make you laugh? It’s not high on a guy’s must list. Perhaps it should be.
Hank Azaria
Chevy Chase and Bill Murray – we thought those guys were funny. We love Bill Murray, but we didn’t think they were right for Airplane! because it would step on the joke if there was a known comedian.
David Zucker
My music has a high irritation factor. I’ve always tried to say something. Eccentric lyrics about eccentric people. Often it was a joke. But I would plead guilty on the grounds that I prefer eccentricity to the bland.
Randy Newman
Rapping was a joke, but the music helped me break out of my shell.
Lil Xan
The world is indeed comic, but the joke is on mankind.
H. P. Lovecraft
I sometimes joke, Paula, even paranoid people have enemies.
Rahm Emanuel
We all have, in my family, what we call the ‘Vorderman bottom’ – a sticky out, bigger-than-normal, signature, of the rear variety. It’s been a family joke all our lives – even my lovely brother has one. I know the lines to all the good singalong big bum songs.
Carol Vorderman
But I can tell you markets are like women, always commanding, always mysterious, always volatile, always exciting and it is not a joke.
Rakesh Jhunjhunwala
It’s an ongoing joke that a black man is always the first one to get killed in movies.
J. B. Smoove
I’m a joke comic. I tell jokes. I like writing a joke, and I like when a joke works, and I like other comics who tell jokes.
Dave Attell
A sense of humor is the ability to understand a joke – and that the joke is oneself.
Clifton Fadiman
I joke that being a university president is akin to being a pinata. But there are also notions of redemption.
Gordon Gee
When the Mets were on their run in the 1980s, Gary Carter was often seen hugging somebody. It was easy to joke about that. The best hug of all was with Jesse Orosco at the end of the 1986 World Series.
George Vecsey
I’ve always liked a good joke that everybody can laugh at.
John Cameron Mitchell
The premise of Russian foreign policy to the West is that the rule of law is one big joke; the practice of Russian foreign policy is to find prominent people in the West who agree.
Timothy D. Snyder
You could read Kant by yourself, if you wanted; but you must share a joke with some one else.
Robert Louis Stevenson
Any private security is a joke in a country where you’re up against your own government.
Bidzina Ivanishvili
I think we’re the only jokeless show on television. I mean really, we have no setups and no punch lines. It’s not a joke show. There are funny lines and funny moments but again the comedy is born of the human experience and awkward pauses are a great part of what it is to be human.
Rainn Wilson
Who am I to say CM Punk is a joke?
Donald Cerrone
But today, I feel the genuine warmth, the affection, and although I may joke about it, I am touched.
Perry Como
People confuse the subject of the joke with the target of the joke, and they’re very rarely the same.
Ricky Gervais
I apologize in my real life all the time. I say ridiculous things, I make mistakes constantly. But when I’m on stage, I’m at a microphone… it’s a joke!
Kathy Griffin
A lot of comedies fall apart because they just go from joke to joke, and the characters are all sort of being crazy off on their own.
Paul Feig
I like to say, ‘Chop suey’s the biggest culinary joke that one culture has ever played on another,’ because chop suey, if you translate into Chinese, means ‘tsap sui,’ which, if you translate back, means ‘odds and ends.’
Jennifer Lee
Because Buffy really has become the straight man, every once in a while it’s nice to be the one that tells the joke and it’s nice to be the one that is the joke and it’s nice to do something that’s a little bit different.
Sarah Michelle Gellar
I don’t like it when I see a racist comedian go up and say, ‘What are we gonna do about all these immigrants?’ and they get a round the applause. I think, ‘Well that’s not a joke. That’s just your biased opinion.’
Ricky Gervais
When I’m writing the book I’m laughing at just how overblown the characters seemed. How full of himself he seems. But I didn’t get far enough in the series to really drive the joke of it home.
Jhonen Vasquez
Chennai is one of the scariest crowds to face. Everyone looks so conservative, but once you crack the first joke, they are so appreciatively loud that they will hit you with a laugh that will scare you stiff and yet give you energy. Chennaiites give me the loudest laughs; it’s the coolest crowd to perform for.
Vir Das
I was at Facebook in 2012, during the previous presidential race. The fact that Facebook could easily throw the election by selectively showing a Get Out the Vote reminder in certain counties of a swing state, for example, was a running joke.
Antonio Garcia Martinez
I joke that my niche in Hollywood has been naked foreigners.
Hank Azaria
In Europe, they travel a lot lighter. I always joke that my Indonesian passengers bring their house and their neighbor’s house.
Tony Fernandes
I used to have this joke: ‘Every hallway is a runway.’
Tyra Banks
I think of a piece, and then people who are competent fabricate it. But lately I’ve started finger painting, which probably should be a joke but isn’t!
Jenny Holzer
It’s important to remember that life is a joke, and that outlook grants a lot of perspective, but I don’t think comedy should change and become political due to other things. It should just laugh at that cosmic joke that life is all the time.
John Mulaney
We didn’t have electricity when I was a kid. We had to watch TV by candlelight. No, that’s a silly joke.
Glen Campbell
You want a story? Read ‘Gone With the Wind’. These aren’t stories. They’re joke books. The whole thing of a beginning, a middle and an end has been done to death.
Brian P. Cleary
If you come away from a show thinking of an image, that’s as good as remembering a joke. A lot of those shows, like ‘The Office,’ they are brilliant, but they’re not visually interesting.
Julian Barratt
The critics had an image of me, and they wouldn’t accept any other… I was a cartoon character. A joke.
Richard Lewis is the master at taking a joke that he’s told a million times in a row in the past year, on the road, and making it look like he’s pulling it out of thin air.
Artie Lange
It’s so easy to judge everybody and for some reason extra weight is the one thing everything feels OK to joke about.
Caroline Rhea
I want to know why people are getting laughs. Why this joke works and why that one didn’t work. It all comes back to helping me be a better WWE Superstar. So I love it.
Dolph Ziggler
I do find myself surprised by the comedy shows that seem to have the same joke week in week out.
Clive Anderson
I joke with my kids, who love history, that I’ll be the only governor to be elected twice in his first term.
Scott Walker
You learn timing on the road. You learn structure and how to read an audience. You learn so much about the business of laughter that you can’t learn on a set, because it’s all on you. Sometimes you bomb, and you know not to tell that joke again… You just hope people find the humor in the awkwardness.
Marlon Wayans
You might like it as a joke or because you liked it then, but there isn’t a whole new generation discovering Wham!.
Rob Zombie
I guess I’ve kind of recognized what my worth is and what my specific brand of humor is. And that’s not necessarily being the guy who’s super witty and saying a joke every second. I’m the guy who you throw in a bizarre scenario, and I’ll play it as real as possible.
Dave Franco
I’m not the voice of reason; I’m more the guy using these offensive topics as fodder to raise tension in a joke.
Anthony Jeselnik
The joke I always make is I’m either running for reelection, running for Senate, running for governor, or running for my life. The latter is also a viable possibility.
Cory Booker
I think sometimes in comedy the characters are often sacrificed for the joke, and it’s more important for it to be funny than for there to be love.
Jenny Slate
I mean, I’ve had bartenders and waiters and waitresses make a comment about a joke of mine, like pointing out some sort of logic error or something that I’ve never even thought about, and they’re right.
Todd Barry
When I did ‘Spamalot,’ the joke was that I was a foot taller than Tim Curry.
Hannah Waddingham
From as long as, literally as far back as I can remember I’ve liked puns, word jokes, I can literally recall looking at a comic at the age of six or seven and I remember what I enjoyed and what it was precisely and how the joke worked.
Tom Stoppard
When things get so absurd and so stupid and so ridiculous that you just can’t bear it, you cannot help but turn everything into a joke.
David Byrne
I like writing a joke, and I like when a joke works, and I like other comics who tell jokes.
Dave Attell
I joke around a lot about the manic times because they’re funny. We manics do outrageous things and it is part of our colorful nature.
Patty Duke
I was desperate for new material, so anything I can write a joke about that works is in the act. No matter who it offends, or who it bothers – doesn’t matter if its something my wife hates.
Ron White
To convince another part of the world that Bollywood is not just jokers who break into song and dance was very difficult. I’m literally ploughing the ground and making people understand that Indian actors are not a joke.
Priyanka Chopra
What I don’t understand is these people who go on the street wearing riding clothes, and they have never been on a horse. They ought to have their heads examined, really. It’s a joke. But, let’s face it, we live in a fantasy world.
C. Z. Guest
If I can’t face my accusers, that’s a joke. We did that in medieval times.
Lance Armstrong
Over at the Olivia Pope & Associates set, we’re like middle school children. Every time there’s a cut in the action, we joke and dance around; there’s show tunes and fart noises.
Darby Stanchfield
Somebody would think I was trying to get favored treatment because my ancestors had the name Moon. And that’s a joke.
Buzz Aldrin
Sometimes it’s hard to tell if a joke is working or not for the first couple of minutes.
Dave Attell
A source of embarrassment for Libyans, Gadhafi has never been a joke: disappearances, a police state, zero freedom of expression, and poverty for at least a third of the population of country tremendously wealthy thanks to oil.
Mona Eltahawy
When I become the village idiot, or at least, it starts to become a joke, you can’t do that much longer.
Joan Van Ark
I’ve been joking that ‘On the Road’ is the prequel to ‘The Road.’ I don’t know if that’s a very good joke.
Kodi Smit-McPhee
Prior to ‘Tokyo Drift,’ the iconic perception of Asians in Hollywood films has been either the Kung Fu guy, the Yakuza guy or some technical genius. It used to be such a joke, to be laughed at rather than with.
Sung Kang
Have you ever heard a good joke? If you’ve ever heard someone just right, with the right pacing, then you’re already on the way to poetry. It’s about using words in very precise ways and using gesture.
Rita Dove
Only in the mystery novel are we delivered final and unquestionable solutions. The joke to me is that fiction gives you a truth that reality can’t deliver.
Scott Turow
The Nobel Peace Prize has always been a joke – albeit a grim one. Alfred Bernhard Nobel famously invented dynamite and felt sorry about it.
P. J. O’Rourke
The Giants beating the undefeated Patriots, that’s all a joke. The star of a reality show is going to run the country. The guy who decided if Bret Michaels or Cyndi Lauper would make a better CEO for a company that doesn’t exist is going to be running stuff.
Bill Burr
One of the things we joke about in the FPS development is it’s so hard to get the player to actually bother to look at all the cool stuff you’ve been doing. You spend a lot of time making really cool things, and usually the player isn’t looking where you want them to.
John Carmack
I got so much out of ‘The To-Do List.’ This is a joke that I say about myself sometimes, in terms of my film career: I feel like I’m always playing the kid in serious adult movies. So, for me, it was so wonderful to suddenly be working with other people my age who were doing this on film.
Sarah Steele
Comedy is just to me, maybe it’s a natural knack, if I can see where the joke is in the writing and I can see where the setup is and I can tell this is the way to make it.
Matt LeBlanc
A lot of people who look at my photographs think it is an easy joke, but it does take a bit of thinking about.
Alison Jackson
People always joke that ‘dog’ spells ‘god’ backwards. They should consider that it might be the higher power coming down to see just how well they do, what kind of people they are. The animals are right here, right in front of us. And how we treat these companions is a test.
Linda Blair
I recently did the David Letterman Show about my book. He was very serious and made no jokes and it caught me off guard a little bit. He was much more serious than some of the joke shows that journalists get on.
Bob Woodward
I took my daughters to see Plastic Ono Band at the Orpheum in L.A. in 2012. It was an amazing experience because she is such a revolutionary artist. Everybody was like, ‘Oh, it’s Yoko, it’s such a joke.’ But it’s no joke what she did, visually and musically. It’s incredible.
Pamela Adlon
You have to struggle a bit, hustle a little, and be willing to go bankrupt. Once you’re willing to do that, everything opens up and you get the freedom. My joke is that next year, I’ll make the first film that costs zero dollars.
Nick Nolte
I watch children a great deal; their idea is that rules are always negotiable, whereas you absolutely cannot joke at the airport about your toothpaste, and you cannot rollerblade in Grand Central Station. I keep running up against these things.
Natalie Jeremijenko
I like when people are trapped in the joke, when there’s no escape. I like to lead people down the wrong path and then trap them.
Paul Mooney
The Rock and Roll Hall of Fame is a joke – the fact that Madonna is in before Rush and Kiss. Those two bands have influenced so many groups and people other than in metal.
Corey Taylor
The U.S. – the idea that the U.S. has introduced and imposed principles of international law, that’s hardly even a joke. The United States has even gone so far as to veto Security Council resolutions calling on all states to observe international law. That was in the 1980s under Reagan.
Noam Chomsky
I’ll think of the idea and then I’ll write something down, then within that there will be a joke or two which is the original thing which I thought was funny.
David Cross
My brother was listening to his transistor radio. He kept switching the earpiece from one ear to the other, which I thought was his idea of a joke. ‘You can’t do that,’ I said. ‘You can only hear out of one ear.’ ‘No, I can hear out of both,’ he answered. And that was how I discovered I was deaf in my right ear.
Jane Lynch
People talk, ‘Oh your father’s a misogynist, look what he said about women,’ like, on ‘Howard Stern.’ When he gets with Howard Stern, who’s a friend of his, he’ll joke around, because it’s a comedy show. He’s allowed to have a personality.
Donald Trump, Jr.
When you become fluent with language, it means you can write an entry in your journal or tell a joke to someone or write a letter to a friend. And it’s similar with new technologies.
Mitchel Resnick
Memes just show that people are engaged about something. A meme is just a little inside joke for a group of people that care about a certain thing.
Anthony Fantano
If somebody can make a joke about you on TV, that’s so beautiful. You’ve affected pop culture to that degree.
My family and I have a little joke that if I’m feeling particularly blue, and nobody cares about me, I should just go to the airport! That is where I am most recognized.
Maggie Wheeler
There’s a few tunes of mine that don’t have jokes, but most of them have a joke and they have a humorous point of view somewhere.
Mose Allison
Most of us don’t think forwarding a racist joke or speaking in an insulting ‘comedic’ accent is appropriate at the workplace. Unfortunately, for those raised in the toxic culture of conservatism, the sort of mentality that leads government employees to do those things is widespread.
Alex Pareene
I used to joke for years that I was a black man. I adopted the black culture, the black race. I married a black woman, and I had black kids. I always considered myself a ‘brother.’
Tommy Chong
There’s not one thing that inspires me the most. Me and my friends joke around with each other and hang out so much that whatever makes us laugh really hard makes it into ‘Workaholics.’ But the characters that I think are funny are guys that are confidently stupid.
Adam DeVine
Whatever happened to a good pie-in-the-face joke?
Brooke Elliott
Death’s an old joke, but each individual encounters it anew.
Ivan Turgenev
I keep trying to write the crowd-pleasing slavery joke and the crowd-pleasing reparations joke, but any time you mention slavery or reparations in any detail, it seems to bum lots of people out. That’s a challenge I keep putting in front of myself.
W. Kamau Bell
When you’ve been doing comedy for forty years, you really do know most of the jokes. And even if you don’t know a specific joke, you can pretty much guess what it’s going to be.
John Cleese
I hope I’m Jessica Tandy, you know. I hope I’m onstage, and I fall over at 85 or something with everyone applauding thinking that it was a joke, you know, ‘There she goes again,’ and I’m just gone. I’ve gone to Heaven.
Elizabeth Banks
Looking back at my school reports, I start off as quite a swotty kid, and then when I get to 12 or 13, my teachers start saying: ‘Lee has started to joke around a lot in class.’ After that, it’s a steady graph of decline, with the jokes increasing and increasing.
Lee Mack
I also had a hosting position on a home and garden television show – which is a joke if you ever see my apartment.
Hannah Simone
The producers want us to sell, sell, sell. That’s my little joke. That’s what we do by day; by night, we’re artists.
Mike Nichols
So, whenever Scooter was the Pilot, he never had a chance to fly the orbiter. So, the joke is: I’m going to have a chance to fly it first and hand it over to him.
Duane G. Carey
There’s no amount of money that makes you feel better when people think of you as a joke or a hack or a failure or ugly or stupid or morally empty.
Patrick Stump
I had this website that, at one point, I listed myself as ‘actor, writer, comedian, and fart enthusiast’ just because I thought that would be a really clear joke.
Thomas Middleditch
I think for a lot of people, bowling is sort of a joke. But I love it, and it means a lot to me, so any chance to help promote it or celebrate it or not make the hackiest jokes – ‘Bowlers are like plumbers and they wear the craziest shirts!’ – I’m way into.
Chris Hardwick
Like every comedian, if I heard a joke that I thought would work, I used it.
Milton Berle
I have had every hair color. I joke with my hair colorist. She keeps sheets of paper on every hair color that I’ve had, so she has records of it all. She’s done my hair since I was 15, and I guess I have a thick folder going because I’ve had so many different hair colors.
Brittany Snow
If you do a joke that’s really old, then what happens is people on Reddit and Twitter just go, ‘Real original, you’re just doing old jokes!’ But bands do it all the time.
Chris Hardwick
Maybe the universe is a giant practical joke and we don’t know the punchline.
John Lloyd
Cartooning is about deconstruction: you gotta tear something down to make a joke.
Berkeley Breathed
I’m not the type of person who thinks up a joke and has to tell everyone.
Samuel Larsen
I would kill to be on ‘Dexter,’ and I would double kill to be on ‘True Blood.’ I would pay them to let me come be a vampire or a vampire victim. No joke!
Callie Thorne
My joke used to be about my father and Peter Boyle: that anything you see Peter Boyle do on TV, my father has done in real life without pants on.
Ray Romano
People try to put ownership on things: ‘That’s mine, that’s my joke.’ No such thing. Like if you tripped or stumbled and people go, ‘Oh, that’s Charlie Chaplin.’ You know what I mean? You can’t own a joke. You can be the guy that tells it the best, but you can’t own a joke. Nowhere can you own a laugh.
Tommy Chong
I often joke that I straddle psychosis and neurosis, and that being an artist keeps me in the middle, so I can work between the two.
Sam Taylor-Johnson
I’m gonna fix that last joke by taking out all the words and adding new ones.
Mitch Hedberg
It is the ability to take a joke, not make one, that proves you have a sense of humor.
Max Eastman
My dad is a really funny guy, and we would make jokes about my leukemia. When my friends would come over, we would joke about it, too.
Vanessa Bayer
When you’re going for a joke, you’re stuck out there if it doesn’t work. There’s nowhere to go. You’ve done the drum role and the cymbal clash and you’re out on the end of the plank.
Bob Newhart
I’m not a joke guy; I’m not a stand-up comic.
Eugene Levy
A caricature is putting the face of a joke on the body of a truth.
Joseph Conrad
There’s always this joke that I say in Israel: people don’t really have discussions; they just try to convince the other people that they are wrong or they are right – they just try to impose their opinion on the others. Sometimes I think it’s easier to avoid talking about things and just make music.
Anat Cohen
To me, music is no joke and it’s not for sale.
Ian MacKaye
I couldn’t afford to get sick in prison. My sickle cell is no joke, so I couldn’t eat poorly or not exercise. And everything in jail is designed to do the exact opposite.
The joke I wanted to put into one of the promos for this new season, was to have a guy come up to me and say, Hey! Tony! I love your show, I’ve watched you every night since you started! And then I’d say, Ah! You’re the one!
Tony Danza
Eventually I was saying to myself, maybe it would be better, instead of trying to become an American comedian in France, to mix those two styles and those two genres. Because of course it’s good to be efficient and sharp, and to have a joke every twenty seconds, but it can be a little cold and dry.
Gad Elmaleh
Being a parent is not for the faint of heart. I may joke about knowing fear, but the fact is, the first time I ever knew real fear was the day Charlotte, my first child, was born. Suddenly there is someone in the world you care about more than anything.
Harlan Coben
The world was not supportive. They look at me as a joke for 13 to 14 years until I could prove feasibility; then I had competitors. Those that laughed at me became my competitors.
Ada Yonath
I’m at an age where crying is easier for me now. I like it. I can cry at a poignant commercial; I can cry at a – this is a running joke in my house, but… a good ‘Star-Spangled Banner’ can make me cry. I’m not kidding.
Ray Romano
I loved Omar Vizquel. He tells some really long jokes, and he has his own way of telling them, but he can make every joke very funny. He would always come up with jokes on the loudspeaker on the bus.
Steve Finley
A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion.
George Orwell
‘Drake and Josh’ was strictly nine to five. We’d go in and know what we were doing, and ‘Superhero Movie’ was just nuttiness every day because there’s a joke every ten seconds.
Drake Bell
I make cameos in all my movies for no particular reason other than a joke. It’s just a Hitchcock thing.
Peter Jackson
I don’t really believe in lucky things, but I wear lucky underwear as a joke.
Julia Mancuso
I get so happy when I write a joke. It’s a very satisfying, liberating feeling.
Rita Rudner
I think it is childish for men to joke about women’s clothes, to make fun of our hats, to complain over the cost of a good fur coat.
Elsa Schiaparelli
We often joke about men moaning about being ill, whether it’s man flu or anything else. We want them to be silent and strong about these things. And that’s quite dangerous when it comes to depression, because talking about it helps. People bottle it up until it’s too late.
Matt Haig
I’m very careful not to tell a joke just to get a reaction.
Katherine Ryan
I’ve never seen Kendrick Lamar crack a joke, and I’ve met him, but I’m sure he’s hilarious, too, just because he’s so good at rapping. J. Cole is a funny guy as well. Drake is funny. But who’s the funniest guy I’ve met who is a rapper? I would say 50 Cent.
Jay Pharoah
When was the last time you were super offended? I might be like, ‘That’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard!’ Or, ‘It’s not my thing,’ or, ‘It was a stupid joke.’ But there’s such a sensitivity now. Political correctness has become really insidious.
Justin Theroux
I have a no-apology policy. No apologies for jokes. I apologize in my real life all the time. I say ridiculous things, I make mistakes constantly. But when I’m on stage, I’m at a microphone… it’s a joke!
Kathy Griffin
Ten comics can say the same joke, and I’m the one who gets called a thief.
Carlos Mencia
I’m not the comedy police, but you watch a movie, and everyone’s laughing, and then you shake it out, and you realize, ‘There’s no joke there!’
Maria Semple
A joke is not a thing but a process, a trick you play on the listener’s mind. You start him off toward a plausible goal, and then by a sudden twist you land him nowhere at all or just where he didn’t expect to go.
Max Eastman
If I can relate to the joke, it’s going to be funny.
Sebastian Maniscalco
The joke of being a showrunner is that people ask how you get it all done, and you don’t. The list of things I don’t get done in a given day is longer than the list of things I do. And one of the things that’s first to go is watching dailies.
Julie Plec
It seems to me that humour is everybody’s way of keeping sane and standing off from the situations so that they can see it intellectually, as well as emotionally, and I don’t know whether you’ve noticed, but if somebody tells a joke, it’s nearly always a mini fantasy.
Diana Wynne Jones
Shaquille and I kind of joke we were the Christopher Columbus of social media. We’re kind of out on a boat by ourselves going through these uncharted waters. But it’s become more understood, embraced and accepted, and now it’s pretty much expected by fans for athletes, leagues and teams to be there.
Amy Jo Martin
I joke, but only half joke, that if you show up in an American hospital missing a finger, no one will believe you until they get a CAT scan, MRI and orthopedic consult.
Abraham Verghese
I love a stupid joke, something that doesn’t make any sense.
Chelsea Handler
I cannot tell a joke. But I can do a situation, that it becomes a joke.
Don Rickles
I used to joke that I wanted to go to the moon, but I actually do. Like, some day I think I’m going to go to the moon. That would be cool.
Tyler Oakley
I always thought security was a joke at New York airports, and in U.S. airports to begin with. You can go through any European or Middle Eastern airport and things are a lot tougher.
Richard Drew
A joke’s a very serious thing.
Charles Churchill
I always joke that I’m a British actress trying to break into Scandinavian TV.
MyAnna Buring
My little joke that I make whenever I talk about my show is that the way I sold the show to Netflix is ‘I’m exactly like Anthony Bourdain, if he was afraid of everything.’
Philip Rosenthal
My brother Billy was the joke teller. My brother Jim had a really sharp, cutting wit. And the teller of long stories, that was my brother Ed. As a child, I just absorbed everything they said, and I was always in competition for the laughs.
Stephen Colbert
I’ve never revved my car at a light for an attractive woman or an auto-rival, not even as a joke.
Penn Jillette
People thought we were a joke because we got noticed so fast.
Yolandi Visser
Anything where we’re the butt of the joke, no one tells us about it.
Chris Martin
Candidates should be extremely cautious in displaying a sense of humor. If he or she tells a joke with a point, there is almost certain to be some minority group offended.
Jack Germond
I think it’s natural if you’re doing a lot of comedy to do a lot of drama, because you have to figure out the real version of the joke.
Judy Greer
My biggest superhero of writing is Jorge Luis Borges, the Argentine fabulist. He’s an amazingly perceptive writer, but also willing to make a joke.
John Hodgman
There’s a difference between racism and people making a joke about something. There is true racism going on, and people should be able to identify what that is, comparatively.
Chelsea Handler
I’d been shy since childhood, constantly full of self-doubt. And as an actor, I’d been so scared of failing that I made my career – and myself – a big joke.
Emily Mortimer
The nature of comedy is ‘just do it.’ But I think what’s interesting about it is this joke has been around and why. And it’s just saying what’s wrong and how wrong can you be if you say it.
Bob Saget
My friends would always joke that I’m ‘the grandmother’ and ‘the homebody’ because I can’t stay up past nine o’clock, but a lot of that rest is so important for me.
Molly Qerim
I always have the same thing – which is the fear of not getting a laugh – that I’ve had from the time I was a kid; obsessing over, ‘This joke doesn’t quite work, we’ve got to get this right.’ I was always like that, whether I was a member of a six-person ensemble or whether I’m the center of a show.
Matthew Perry
I’m not a great joke writer, which is odd for a comic to say, but I’m not.
Lewis Black
There’s definitely some parallels between me and Joaquin Phoenix, I think. The line gets so blurry. My rap career wasn’t a hoax, but it was absolutely intended to be a joke. The problem was that I really was on a quest to somehow be a Caucasian Ol’ Dirty Bastard.
I tell you it’s no joke to paint a portrait. I wonder that I am not more timid when I begin. I feel almost certain that I can do it. It seems very simple. I don’t think of the time that is sure to come when I almost despair, when the whole thing seems hopeless.
William Morris Hunt
It was funny to hear that I’d slapped Bieber. I thought it was a joke. Then it blew up. I probably got 50 texts about it.
Blake Griffin
I don’t like irony and sarcasm very much. But I do like it when you think someone is telling you a joke, and then you discover it’s serious.
Jens Lekman
I’d come from the bottom of the barrel. Just Owen Hart getting out of the shadow of Bret Hart’s little brother. Everyone figured, this is a joke, Owen’s going to get squashed.
Owen Hart
I take a lot of pride in managing to be funny without having a victim at the end of my joke. I laugh at a really dark joke as much as the next person, but my jokes, I feel, don’t have to hurt anybody to be really funny.
Ross Mathews
Dominic Sherwood would always tell me a joke right before it was my take or my close up. He’d say a funny joke, and I couldn’t stop laughing, even after they said, ‘Action.’
Emeraude Toubia
I could always take a joke. I could always be the butt of the joke. I could always hand it out. That was just who I was.
Ricky Gervais
Comedy is so subjective. You could be in a room with 400 people laughing at a joke and you could just not think it’s funny. You’re just sitting there like, ‘Am I in the twilight zone? Why is everyone laughing?’ It’s such a personal thing. People have such a personal visceral response to comedy.
Todd Phillips
I had my electricity turned off three times because I never had time to pay my bills. It was a joke. I’m making a ton of money, and I’m walking around my apartment with flashlights.
Sherry Stringfield
I always joke that I’m a feminist with a boob job.
Marti Noxon
There is a painful joke that Europeans often tell of their Gallic neighbors: God created France, the most beautiful country in the world with so much good in it, and ended up feeling guilty about it. He had to do something to make it fair. And so, he created the French people.
Janine di Giovanni
I’m not big on fat jokes. That’s a little beneath me. I’m not a huge fan of making a joke – and as I say this, I’m sure I do it – completely at someone else’s expense.
Michael Showalter
I made so many jokes about poor Russell Crowe, he once knocked on my dressing room door, and told me he wanted to go out on this chat show we were on to laugh with me. Now he’s ruined it. I can’t make another joke about him.
Joan Rivers
It’s an old joke: All evil people in movies are British.
Tom Ellis
We don’t apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don’t get it, then don’t watch us.
Joan Rivers
Not everybody should be laughing at everything at the same time. That’s not even natural. My thing is to feel natural, because I don’t want to feel like I could just make people laugh at every single joke, every single time, with the same decibel level.
Patrice O’Neal
Hour-long TV is no joke. It tests you as a human being. It makes you a stronger person, but it’s really crazy.
Rebecca Romijn
I just heard the latest joke about my hair: ‘Do you know what that is on her head? It’s a steering wheel to drive the state.’
Yulia Tymoshenko
Forgive, O Lord, my little jokes on Thee, and I’ll forgive Thy great big joke on me.
Robert Frost
Challenging someone is good. You need to do it. Sometimes they don’t even realize you’re doing it, like when you joke with a goalie, ‘What’s wrong today? You losing it?’
Sidney Crosby
There’s always been a quiet conversation and joke that if you’re not hard, if you’re not from impoverished neighborhoods, if you’re not certain constructs of a black stereotype, then you not black.
Chance The Rapper
A joke is a joke. There’s an expression – I don’t know if you have it – that’s ‘adding insult to injury.’
Jon Stewart
I was at a photo shoot, and I was wearing a cross necklace that my mom bought me, and somebody made a joke like, ‘Why are you wearing a cross? Like you would be religious.’ And then they took it away. I was really affected by that. The whole thing made me realize that I do want a cross with me at all times.
Kate Upton
There was a time when I didn’t like myself at all. I thought I was a cruel joke. But now I’ve come to realise that maybe I am not cute, but I am beautiful.
CeeLo Green
Every vision is a joke until the first man accomplishes it; once realized, it becomes commonplace.
Robert H. Goddard
I go inside the Octagon for fight. I don’t joke, because it’s danger.
Anderson Silva
Even in my comedies, I don’t take anger as a joke. I think anger and laughter are very close to each other, when you think about it. One of the things I like about a character: I always think it’s fascinating when a character can turn on a dime and go from one emotion to another. I like watching that.
Albert Brooks
The audience today has heard every joke. They know every plot. They know where you’re going before you even start. That’s a tough audience to surprise, and a tough audience to write for. It’s much more competitive now, because the audience is so much more – I want to say ‘sophisticated.’
Betty White
The joke that I make is that there are instances on the TV series that happen to me, – except on Sex and the City they always make it better or worse than real life and I am actually saying that in a joking way.
Candace Bushnell
It would be really hard to get serious about anything political today unless it was a joke.
Carla Bley
I’ve been in situations where, in the midst of really hardcore events in my life, I made some ridiculous off-color joke that was in horrible taste, but made people laugh.
Samuel Witwer
When I was growing up, I wasn’t in bands, and had really no intention of ever doing music. I went out to California for college, and kind of on a whim started making music really as a joke, and over the course of the next five years started playing a lot of shows, and music became this really integral part of my identity.
K. Flay
My friends joke I’m a 90-year-old stuck in a young man’s body.
Douglas Booth
I typically start out almost every speech I give making some kind of joke about me being in a wheelchair.
Greg Abbott
I remember when I first walked into an American locker room, and no one had ever seen a 130-pound wrestler before. Those guys thought I was such a joke.
Rey Mysterio
I take care of myself, which includes dieting, exercising and minimising stress. I joke that I’ve been on a diet since 1974, which is basically true.
Kim Cattrall
I think I was born to be a clown. I just haven’t figured out how to bring that side of myself into the world of filmmaking. It’s much more comfortable for me to cry on a film set than it is to tell a joke.
Lucas Hedges
I nearly got hit by a car while I was trying to write a stupid joke but a female sheep stood in the way. I can’t thank ewe enough.
Joe Lycett
Nobody calls me a racist when I do redneck jokes. Jeff Foxworthy can do as many ‘You might be a redneck jokes’ as he wants, but I’m telling you as soon as a guy like that does a black joke or something – ‘How dare you!’ I totally think it’s unfair.
Carlos Mencia
I love musical theater so much. When done right, I think comedy songs can be the most efficient form of joke delivery. Songs can be the most efficient and the best forms of conveying emotion. Music is universal. It’s worldwide.
Rachel Bloom
I always joke and say I want to invent a comfortable stiletto and then retire.
Sara Blakely
I intend to buy ‘The New York Times.’ Please don’t take it as a joke.
Chen Guangbiao
When you go and meet people in far-flung parts of the world who need help, they’re not earnest; they’re having a laugh and a joke as they transport the water you’re buying for them – not trudging around saying serious things.
Hugh Dennis
I am one of those guys who could do the most emotional scene and crack a joke instantly. I’m lucky. I’m just like an idiot savant. I have one enormously enjoyable, pleasurable – for me – talent, which is being able to act.
James Woods
It is a great rush to come up with a joke that gets a good response from the audience. It’s gold!
Kevin Nealon
New York was at the forefront of rap, so because of all the great people who have gone before me, being a rapper from Queens, I have to live up to those standards. I’m basically just a regular guy who says what he feels and likes to joke. I like long walks on the beach… and I love rap.
Action Bronson
It’s OK to joke about yourself and have self-perspective, but, like, when you constantly put yourself down to get other people to tell you you’re good, that annoys me. Have confidence!
Tove Lo
In Beijing, the joke among hacks is that, after the drive in from the airport, you are ready to write a column; after a month, you feel the stirrings of an idea-book; but after a year, you struggle to write anything at all, because you’ve finally discovered just how much you don’t know.
Evan Osnos
I didn’t know if I could be funny on stage or write a joke. But I saw that there are no rules. If you’re funny offstage, you can figure out a way to be funny onstage.
Kumail Nanjiani
I have a great pic of my father and Rev. Graham laughing hysterically at some joke with George Pratt Shultz looking on back in 1972 or so.
Ben Stein
It was a JOB; the video show was a JOB; you don’t tell the Aristocrats joke at 8 o’clock at night on network tv, it would be funny though. But those guys know I like dirty stuff, I like clean stuff too.
Bob Saget
There is a joke that your hammer will always find nails to hit. I find that perfectly acceptable.
Benoit Mandelbrot
I like to joke that I already married a 26-year-old and divorced a 29-year-old, so I wasn’t going to do that again when I got remarried.
Grant Show
I like to joke about being gay because it’s something teenagers would never joke about.
Bo Burnham
We joke that St. Louis people love their own.
Becky Sauerbrunn
Now, everybody, I suppose, is aware that in recent years the silly business of divination by dreams has ceased to be a joke and has become a very serious science.
Arthur Machen
I am so pathetic with machines in real life, it’s not a joke. I’d rather walk, or even run, than take the car out myself. I like to be driven around. Yes, I like fancy cars, and fancy bikes, too. It’s my dream to learn how to ride one myself, but for now, I am content being driven around.
Bipasha Basu
Paris and Nicky Hilton? Those girls will show up to the opening of a phone book. It’s like a big joke.
Rachel Perry
They all want to be me. They do! What everybody else says they will do, I’ve already been doing. They all want to be me. It’s become a joke in Congress how Dr. Gingrey and Mr. Kingston have been following my votes. They’ve even changed votes to what I voted, multiple times. Members of Congress are laughing about it.
Paul Broun
The thing that stand-up does for you is that it toughens you up a bit as far as the business goes. It’s hard. If a joke doesn’t get a laugh, that’s instant rejection. And that’s mostly what this business is most of the time: a lot of rejection.
Melissa Rauch
Because many squid have brain nerve fibres that are hundreds of times thicker than those of humans, neuroscientists have long used them for research. These nerve fibres have led to so many breakthroughs in the study of neurons that many scientists joke that the squid should receive a Nobel Prize.
David Grann
The joke in aviation is, ‘If you want to make a million, you’d better start with £10m.’
Bruce Dickinson
It’s not a joke: I really do like being at home.
Karl Pilkington
If you write a novel where war is nothing but hell and no one experiences excitement or cracks a dark joke, then you’re not actually admitting the full experience.
Phil Klay
I’m a happy guy. I like to joke around. I’m irreverent. I love my family; I love my son. I was very happy with and proud of the birth of my son. I grew up a lot after he was born. I’m just an easy and happy guy.
I really like comedy. There’s always a choice, when you’re writing: you can either go for the joke or you can go for the story, the important stuff.
David Chase
There’s things that I couldn’t joke about but other people could.
Jimmy Carr
I’m a bit of a worrier, to an extreme. I’ll crack a joke, then worry if I’ve offended someone – even when they’re laughing. I have a guilt complex, always worrying.
Sophia Bush
Be not affronted at a joke. If one throw salt at thee, thou wilt receive no harm, unless thou art raw.
Oliver Goldsmith
I joke that I’m in the market for a cabin in the woods, and, at some point, I won’t be joking anymore.
Kasie Hunt
A joke is a way to say, ‘I’m going to do something funny now. If I don’t get a laugh at the end, I’m a failure.’
Penn Jillette
I always enjoy conversation more if there is some substance to it – which is a just incredibly hilarious thing for me to say because for many, many years I was the guy whose only contribution to any conversation was, ‘There was a funny ‘Simpson’s’ joke about that.’
Joss Whedon
When you tell an Iowan a joke, you can see a kind of race going on between his brain and his expression.
Bill Bryson
I could battle rap forever, but it’s a joke to me.
Fat Joe
Sometimes I know a joke I’m going to yell out ahead of time, but most of the time it’s stream of conscious. You never really know it until you’ve got everyone dressed up, the set is built, all the extras are here.
Adam McKay
The simile has to match the tone of its surroundings and has to be like a little joke. Writing a simile that isn’t funny on some level is quite hard.
Ned Beauman
Poetry is like making a joke. If you get one word wrong at the end of a joke, you’ve lost the whole thing.
W. S. Merwin
I pretty much only drink water, Tazo passion tea, or coffee with half and half, and it’s an ongoing joke in the office that I never have less than three glasses of water and some form of tea or coffee in front of me.
Ivanka Trump
There was a joke in Czechoslovakia: The Communist Party dance, it’s one step forward, two steps backward, and everyone is still clapping.
Martina Navratilova
I’ve been burn when it comes to my hair that it ain’t no joke.
Jenifer Lewis
Some comedy has turned into, ‘Donald Trump’s bad, isn’t he?’ That’s a true statement. But where is your joke?
Michelle Wolf
I suppose there are times when I can’t believe that I’ve lived the way that I have and done the things that I’ve done. Life’s a joke anyway. It’s all ridiculous. It’s all so short.
Lauren Bacall
Stand up is really fun because if I think of a joke or a funny idea, then I can just go and tell some people and if they laugh, they laugh right away.
Demetri Martin
I am so happy that I married a comedy writer. He’s never not without a joke. No matter where we are.
Christa Miller
One evening, Mike Myers and Steven Spielberg were discussing ‘Goldmember,’ and I just happened to joke, ‘If you need a Japanese character, let me know!’ The next day, they called me for audition! I find it’s always helpful to maintain a sense of humour.
Nobu Matsuhisa
When someone pitches a joke for a character that is just perfect, and you can imagine that actor reading that line at your table read or on the set, it’s like the sound of a snap snapping into place.
Michael Schur
In order to be able to write a good joke, you have to find the truth.
Roseanne Barr
As for pictures and museums, that don’t trouble me. The worst of going abroad is that you’ve always got to look at things of that sort. To have to do it at home would be beyond a joke.
Margaret Oliphant
I’m probably the guy who keeps it loose around the room and tries to joke around with guys before the game, keeping things funny.
Patrick Kane
Usually, my favorite joke is whichever joke I most recently came up with that surprised me the first time I thought of it.
Demetri Martin
I never do a whole new set of new material. I do one new joke at a time, and I wedge it in between two good jokes. Or if it’s a long story, I don’t do it in L.A. or New York; I do it in Kansas and Omaha, all these places I’m going this weekend.
Jim Jefferies
I think the BJP is a joke. It is a party of semi-literates and has fascist tendencies. Such a party can never have real roots in India because Hinduism is the antithesis of fascism.
Subramanian Swamy
I don’t want to end up being some joke on a bad TV series.
David Cassidy
I love people with strong convictions, because we are living in a very PC world. You can’t crack a joke without it being in the headlines.
Imelda May
Everybody I know is a joke writer.
Ron White
So many guys are so conservative with their hair, and I always joke with all my buddies when they mess with me, and I’ll say, ‘That’s right, keep the same haircut for ten years.’ How fun is that?
Tom Brady
I’m known for fashion photographs, but fashion photographs were mostly a joke for me. In ‘Vogue,’ girls were playing at being duchesses, but they were actually from Flatbush, Brooklyn. They would play duchesses, and I would play Cecil Beaton.
William Klein
I think because people can’t understand our style, they think it’s a joke. Our music isn’t intellectual – we make music for the common man.
Watkin Tudor Jones
Trawl through the world of blogs and tweets, and you will find readers complaining when they stumble upon a word they don’t recognise, an attitude that doesn’t accord with their own, a passage of thought they find hard work, a joke they don’t get or of which they don’t approve.
Howard Jacobson
I have a new joke today. Martha Stewart’s on suicide watch. They had to unplug all of her ovens.
Rip Taylor
When people ask me where I get my ideas, I lie. I tell them I draw inspiration from the news, the world, my dreams. Or I joke and say that I steal from other writers. I lie because I don’t know where ideas come from, and I’m afraid if I look too hard, they’ll stop coming.
Marcus Sakey
I never told a joke in my life.
Andy Kaufman
It’s a lot easier, I think, to be an actor in a movie than to spin a joke on a sitcom.
Nicole Sullivan
I come from a town of great musicians: Washington, D.C. It’s no joke, that history.
Henry Rollins
Men reach their sexual peak at eighteen. Women reach theirs at thirty-five. Do you get the feeling that God is playing a practical joke?
Rita Rudner
Toni Morrison was a big influence on my work since I was a teenager, what she did with English. I joke that I think she speaks 20 Englishes simultaneously, that she knows how to do that.
Robin Coste Lewis
I’ve been paying alimony since I was 14 and child support since 15. That’s a joke, but not by much.
Don Adams
The insular arrogance of the English character is a commonplace joke.
Goldwin Smith
Do you want me to apologize after every joke? If it doesn’t offend somebody it’s probably not a joke. It’s probably an observation that’s not funny. It’s gotta offend somebody somewhere.
Jeff Ross
I’m very comfortable in my skin. Everyone has insecurities – I joke around about wishing I had more cheeks – but I’m happy with who I am. You have to make do with what you have. If you carry yourself right, you can make anything look good.
Leah LaBelle
There is a standard joke in the family. Probably we should go into selling second-hand shoes.
Ferdinand Marcos
I was world champion, but I was never able to celebrate it. It was a joke for me.
Caster Semenya
When somebody says something as a joke, the British press take things and twist them.
Mel B
An audience who watches my shows knows who I am, knows that right when they think I’m going to make a joke, I’m going to blow something up, or during the worst peril, I’m going to have someone give someone a kiss – it’s just going to happen.
Joss Whedon
I love funny people, and when I’m with funny people, or people who are amusing in their weirdness, I love it. Because that to me is funny, as opposed to someone who stops and says, ‘Hey let me tell you a joke.’
Paul Feig
I have Bob Dylan lyrics on my ribs. I’m a diehard Dylan fan, and my dad and I joke that if I ever met him, I’d have him sign his name right under my tattoo and then I’d run to the parlor to get his signature tattooed.
Carly Chaikin
I tend to have a lot of jokes about ex-girlfriends. They always ask me if they will be the subject of a joke, and I always tell them they won’t. Unless they do something crazy. They all tend to, so you know where that goes. There are no closed doors. The ‘art’ will suffer.
Adam DeVine
As we all know, Aquaman is somewhat the butt of the joke in the superhero world.
James Wan
The fact is, the Middle East has been going crazy for 50, 60, 70 years. So it’s not like, ‘Oh, I need an ISIS joke.’
Maz Jobrani
‘A Death in the Gunj’ is set in 1979 and we had to mute a joke that referred to Indira Gandhi. The censors also wouldn’t allow the tortoise that some of the characters talk about to be called Kalidas because it’s the name of a respected poet.
Konkona Sen Sharma
When my family all got together, I’d always get up and entertain everyone, but it was all a bit of a joke. My first real memory of singing for people was when I was about eleven or 12.
When I was a little girl, I wanted to be a civil engineer. No joke. I would come home from school and build bridges out of toothpicks and see how much weight they would hold before falling.
Bitsie Tulloch
We’re going for the joke on ‘Children’s Hospital,’ and we’re going for the joke on ‘The League.’ It’s fun to go between shows, but you have to mentally remind yourself what show you’re on.
Rob Huebel
I have this very abstract idea in my head. I wouldn’t even want to call it stand-up, because stand-up conjures in one’s mind a comedian with a microphone standing onstage under a spotlight telling jokes to an audience. The direction I’m going in is eventually, you won’t know if it’s a joke or not.
Garry Shandling
I tell you a joke to have you listen to me, and then maybe I will tell you another joke that we can laugh together and feel equal. And then I will tell you a story hopefully that will make you cry. So I think that’s the way that I approach the columns, as a surviving tool in a way.
Sayed Kashua
My brand of humor is trying to play the situation as real as possible because I’m not the type of guy who is a joke a minute.
Dave Franco
You’re going to get flak if you tell the wrong joke, but it’s still the wrong joke. Give the wrong speech, you take it on the chin.
Brad Paisley
Contrary to reports, this boy is not a billionaire or going to be richer than any Beatle… and not just in the sense of money, by the way; the Beatles are untouchable – those billionaire reports are a joke.
Howard Stern gave me the best advice about Twitter and the N word. He said maybe onstage people get the intention behind the joke, but a tweet is 140 characters or less, and maybe that’s why people overreact. I don’t need to rustle any more feathers and lose any investors.
Lisa Lampanelli
Some comedians tell nice jokes that you can tell to your kids. Some use bad words – they work ‘blue.’ If you don’t want to hear a joke that’s blue, you shouldn’t go to a comedy club where a comedian who makes blue jokes is performing.
Gilbert Gottfried
I often joke that I could write ‘War and Peace’ and make it sound like Geri Halliwell wrote it.
Michael Robotham
I don’t mind being the brunt of a joke, so long as it’s a good one.
Joey McIntyre
I’m a prankster, so some of the – you know, I like a good joke. I think when it’s funny, it’s funny.
Sean Spicer
A good fart joke makes me bawl with laughter, so will somebody farting. And the word ‘poo.’ You can’t beat a good poo joke.
Jenny Eclair
On stage you look much larger than you are. You can have subtle changes of timing; how you place a punch line in a joke or movement or emotion according to an audience.
Sylvester McCoy
There has been nothing more impactful on my life and meaningful to me than the introduction of Christ. That, hands down, blows away every joke I’ve ever written.
Steve Harvey
I tell my audiences today that I served 10 years in Nashville! That’s a joke, of course; I was grateful for the work. Bob Ferguson, who produced Connie Smith, Porter Wagoner and Dolly Parton, started calling me in.
Johnny Gimble
I was raised in a family where no one had a serious bone in their body and every answer was a riddle, a joke, or a prank.
James Brolin
I have some bad feet. But really, my main fault would probably be my personality. A lot of times, I am not serious enough. I joke around too much sometimes.
Tim Hudson
If you work at comedy too laboriously, you can kill what’s funny in the joke.
Richard Russo
My mum had four kids on her own, so if I had one kid with one nanny and not a full-time job, it would be a joke. And I think the impossible happens when you leave your kids. I’ve seen so many nannies in the park on their phones, and the kids are running off.
Abbey Clancy
I’ve heard every pie joke in the book. I’m still waiting for an original one.
Jason Biggs
The U.K. and Europe in general seem to be a lot more patient. The U.S. are expecting ‘joke joke joke joke joke joke joke.’ They don’t actually sit and listen to you.
Bo Burnham
Comedy needs to happen naturally and be in touch with the character. When you see that guy in your office that everybody laughs at, he doesn’t think he’s funny. He’s just being him, and that’s the joke.
Terry Crews
A novel wouldn’t be a book if there weren’t some flights of fancy on the part of the author, stopping time to examine things, or to tell a joke.
Ned Vizzini
If I go play golf with the guys, it’s intended to be a joke.
Neil Peart
We get the worrywart, the hypochondriac, the money-grubbing miser, the intractable negotiator… Some would say certain of these refer to the stereotypical, or ‘stage’ Jew. But objectively speaking, the only crime in humor is an unfunny joke.
Alan King
Homework’s hard. Especially math. My kids joke with me. They tell me they have homework. I say, ‘Okay.’ And then I sit down and they say, ‘It’s math.’ ‘No! Not math! English, history, anything!’
Angelina Jolie
A taste for irony has kept more hearts from breaking than a sense of humor, for it takes irony to appreciate the joke which is on oneself.
Jessamyn West
I remember practically every joke I’ve ever heard in my life.
Steven Bochco
I don’t believe in acting teachers for me, so it’s God’s joke that he gave me a best friend who’s an acting teacher.
Laurence Fishburne
I found, especially with stand-up, that if a premise works, you can make the joke work. If a premise doesn’t work, you can’t force it to.
Nick Kroll
I always joke that my kids’ favorite holiday is Father’s Day. They love the way I celebrate the occasion by writing each of them a thank-you letter and a generous check. It’s my way of letting them know how much I appreciate the great pleasure and privilege of being their dad.
Wayne Dyer
The element of surprise – where you think you know where a joke is going, and then you’re wrong. Those are my favorite kind of jokes.
Riki Lindhome
A woman would pitch a joke. Nothing. Then a guy would pitch it and everybody would laugh.
Wanda Sykes
I joke that, ‘Give us forty-two minutes, and we’ll get your bad guy for you.’
Thomas Gibson
In my mid-20s, I was directing episodes of ‘Alfred Hitchcock’ and ‘Peter Gunn.’ I was pretty much on course and – as I sometimes joke – was prepared to devote my life to become the second best film director in my family.
George Stevens, Jr.
I always make this joke that I know you were expecting to see the big skirts and the hoops. But that was a long time ago. Artists aren’t always seen as real people. If you start out as a teenager, sometimes people want to keep you locked as that. But I’m a woman now.
Jody Watley
You’re only as good as your last joke, your last show, your last whatever. The confidence is there, but underneath, there is always insecurity.
Ray Romano
I think all actors, when they’re not working, say, ‘If I can get to this point where I’m working on a consistent basis, I’ll be happy.’ Of course, then, if that happens for you, and you’re lucky, you find some other reason to complain. There’s a joke: ‘If you want to hear an actor complain, give him a job.’
Mike Colter
A lot of times, you could play me just the laughs from my set, and I could tell you, from the laugh, what the joke was. Because they match.
Jerry Seinfeld
It’s a very young mistake to assume that life is very serious. I get the joke now.
Claire Danes
You go, well you can’t joke about race. Well if you’re from a different race and that’s your experience of the world and you want to talk about that, then fine. Or you can’t talk about disability, but disabled comics can talk about that.
Jimmy Carr
What I find shocking is that there’s this thought process that Hillary Clinton is going to be president of the United States, and to even think of Donald Trump is a joke.
Steve Bannon
I’m very wary of doing political stuff for a lot of reasons. One of the big ones is that the shelf-life for them is not very long, and the joke becomes old news very quickly.
Tim Heidecker
Pretension is a poor joke that you play on yourself. Snap out of it. Recognise your strengths, work on your weaknesses. Real achievement is liking what you see in the mirror every morning.
Virat Kohli
The ‘good’ mother, with her fixed smile, her rigidity, her goody-goody outlook, her obsession with unnecessary hygiene, is in fact a fool. It is the ‘bad’ mother, unafraid of a joke and a glass of wine, richly self-expressive, scornful of suburban values, who is, in reality, good.
Rachel Cusk
All of my comedian friends are some of the best joke writers in the world.
Ron White
There were times when I was a joke, but talent survives.
David Cassidy
My least favorite joke right now is Donald Trump.
Margo Price
The idea of what’s acceptable and what’s shocking, that’s where I investigate. I mean, you can’t be on ‘Top Gear,’ where your only argument is that it’s all just a joke and anyone who takes offence is an example of political correctness gone mad, and then not accept the counterbalance to that.
Stewart Lee
To this day, if you gave me $1,000, I really can’t stand up – You can tell a joke. You’re a good storyteller and a good joke teller.
Don Rickles
Being raised Catholic myself, I think people who are Catholic tend to carry a lot of guilt. It’s almost a joke.
Linda Cardellini
If the clockwork universe equated the human body with the mechanics of the clock, the digital universe now equates human consciousness with the processing of the computer. We joke that things don’t compute, that we need a reboot, or that our memory has been wiped.
Douglas Rushkoff
It’s a joke to think that anyone is one thing. We’re all such complex creatures. But if I’m going to be a poster child for anything, anger’s a gorgeous emotion. It gets a bad rap, but it can make great changes happen.
Alanis Morissette
I always say, if I tell you a joke right now and it’s funny, you laugh. Now, we set the lights, and I tell you the joke again, it’s hard to find it funny the second time.
Martin Landau
My career actually started in the second grade as class clown. That’s no joke. I was always making people laugh, and it was really to mask a learning disability… When it came time for me to read out loud, I would crack jokes or create a diversion.
Ian Ziering
I think music and laughter are the two things that can keep you alive. Someone who is really depressed, tell them a joke, and they may come out of it for even just a moment. Or play them something.
Nell Carter
Actors fall into this trap if they missed being loved for who they really were and not for what they could do – sing, dance, joke about – then they take that as love.
Gene Wilder
I don’t go off and sit down and try to write material, because then it’s contrived and forced. I just live my life, and I see things in a word or a situation or a concept, and it will create a joke for me.
Steven Wright
I had written for Jimmy Kimmel and Sarah Silverman in the past. Jimmy had a different voice, and different priorities. He couldn’t be the bad guy in the joke; he couldn’t upset people, really.
Anthony Jeselnik
I joke that I only play in World Cups.
Ali Krieger
The coming-of-age story has sort of become a joke. It’s something to capitalize on, and that is painful because when you are coming of age – when you are going through something like that – the genre is so meaningful.
Mae Whitman
Americans do believe in progress and there is almost certainly a kernel of truth in the joke.
Alan Dundes
My first manager, he had left Germany when he was five, but he would joke about the Nazis. And I’d laugh, but I’d look at him, and he was the first one who told me, ‘You know, funny is a powerful thing; it’s a wonderful weapon.’
Michael Keaton
As a kid, I drew comics. I had curly hair. I liked to joke, but I was kind of nervous about it at first until it was coaxed out of me.
Thomas Middleditch
Half the battle is that people have to like you before you say one joke, one bit of humor.
Don Rickles
I think very long and hard about every possibly offensive joke I want to make. I really hate mean humor and would hate to make anyone reading my jokes feel truly bad.
Megan Amram
Louis CK knows that just because a joke is using space as a resource instead of something to be crammed like a hamper, this doesn’t mean a story isn’t happening.
Andrea Seigel
Any woman who chooses to behave like a full human being should be warned that the armies of the status quo will treat her as something of a dirty joke. That’s their natural and first weapon. She will need her sisterhood.
Gloria Steinem
Behind every racist joke is a scientific fact.
Milo Yiannopoulos
Cut out all these exclamation points. An exclamation point is like laughing at your own joke.
F. Scott Fitzgerald
A true Englishman doesn’t joke when he is talking about so serious a thing as a wager.
Jules Verne
Dick Gregory used every syllable, every metaphor, every joke, every march, every incarceration, every hour of his life, to embarrass this country into providing a more perfect, perfect union.
Joe Morton
I lived that life for real, so to talk about it was like a joke, you know what I mean?
Tone Loc
Back in the day, if someone said that hip hop and rap was a fad, that was a joke to me because they just didn’t know what they were talking about. In reality, there were so many people who didn’t know what they were talking about it.
Jam Master Jay
Every sexy joke of long ago, every flirtation, is being recalled by some women and revised and re-evaluated as sexual harassment. Frivolous accusations reduce, if not eliminate, not only communication between men and women but any kind of playfulness and banter… Where has the laughter gone?
Maryanne Trump Barry
When I was younger, I was always willing to tell a joke and play out a scene. I would get sticks and pretend they were light sabers. I think it was just at a young age, I was so willing to jump up and perform a little play at the family picnic.
Sufe Bradshaw
I think a joke is a form of truth-telling. A good joke that’s absurd contains elements of our daily darkness and also a possibility to escape that darkness. So, for me, humor is an attempt to capture everyday tragedy and everyday hopeful moments that we experience all of the time.
Colson Whitehead
I joke and I say, ‘I need to go back to make a supernatural horror film just to so that I can make a movie that’s grounded again.’
James Wan
Don’t laugh at a hair joke, Trump.
Lisa Lampanelli
There are certain things I don’t want to joke about. If it’s about somebody else, it’s fine. If it’s about me, I think it’s totally insensitive!
Gilbert Gottfried
My first gig ever was writing looplines for a movie that had already been made. You know, writing lines over somebody’s back to explain something, to help make a connection, to add a joke, or to just add babble because the people are in frame and should be saying something.
Joss Whedon
There’s a joke in economics about the drunk who loses his keys in the street but only looks for them under the lightposts. When asked why, he says, ‘because that’s where the light is.’ That’s the problem with the deficit.
Christina Romer
You’ve really got to start hitting the books because it’s no joke out here.
Harper Lee
Years ago I was a runway model, and I used to get laughs. I thought it was a joke anyway.
Nora Dunn
My preference is for people who can do sketch comedy or situational comedy, where it’s not a joke, but it’s telling a story.
Carol Burnett
I know what is funny coming out of my mouth and what is not funny coming out of my mouth. You have to figure out, What is the joke that I can do that nobody else can do?
Kumail Nanjiani
My motivation is paying the mortgage. No joke. Honestly. I still suffer with nerves and think, ‘Why am I putting myself through this torture?’ It’s not actually the love of winning – it’s that building of a partnership with a horse. Just riding horses every day keeps me going. And that threat of losing the mortgage.
Lee Pearson
If you’re showing people where it’s smooth sailing, where is the joke? If you go back to any movie, even a conventional movie, with any comedians, they’re either not terribly intelligent or they’re not doing something well.
Christopher Guest
Written by the ancient Chinese philosopher of the same name, the ‘Zhuangzi’ is one long perplexing puzzle of a rambling collection of enigmatic short stories. It’s a strange feeling to laugh at a joke written by someone in the 4th century B.C.
Patrick Stump
You never want to defend a joke. People get to choose whether or not to laugh and whether or not they think something is funny.
Larry Wilmore
You can read Kant by yourself, if you wanted to; but you must share a joke with someone else.
Robert Louis Stevenson
I get very confused about being called a comedian, because when you say ‘I’m a comedian,’ people expect you to crack a joke. Maybe I use laughter and humour to make people think. I don’t know what you call that – a humourist? A satirist? A pessimistic comedian? I don’t know. Satirists can be very dark.
Bassem Youssef
Death seems to be a long way off. Is this not shallow thinking? It is worthless and is only a joke within a dream. It will not do to think in such a way and be negligent. Insofar as death is always at one’s door, one should make sufficient effort and act quickly.
Yamamoto Tsunetomo
I learned how fast you can go from being an international hero to being a reference in a joke on a late night talk show.
Michael Phelps
The joke about SAP has always been, it’s making ’50s German manufacturing methodology, implemented in 1960s software technology, delivered to 1970-style manufacturing organizations, like, it’s really – yeah, the incumbency – they are still the lingering hangover from the dot-com crash.
Marc Andreessen
It was that famous joke: What’s the last thing the drummer said before he got kicked out of the band? ‘Hey, I wrote a song.’
Dave Grohl
As the old joke goes, I have all the sins together. I am a woman, a Socialist, separated and agnostic.
Michelle Bachelet
I think a lot of my songs are very silly and very stupid, written to entertain people, but in the end, I always come to that last line, and I feel that I have to wrap this up with a bit of dignity and a little tear in the eye; otherwise, the joke would be on the characters in the song.
Jens Lekman
If I say a joke and the audience laughs it makes me feel good.
Rita Rudner
Ever since I was 2 or 3, I loved to perform for people. I would walk up to another table in a restaurant and crack a joke, sing a song, do a dance, or something entertaining, and the ‘audience’ would almost always smile and laugh.
Maxim Knight
Television is a medium of entertainment which permits millions of people to listen to the same joke at the same time, and yet remain lonesome.
T. S. Eliot
There are certain queer times and occasions in this strange mixed affair we call life when a man takes his whole universe for a vast practical joke.
Herman Melville
I have a lot of funny friends, and we joke a lot, but I’ve never really played comedic parts.
Joel Kinnaman
A friend of mine once wrote a silly article about all these metrosexuals like David Beckham wearing sarongs, and she described me as a ‘heteropolitan.’ I don’t know what that means. I think it was a joke.
Kevin McCloud
I’m a lot girlier than the roles that I play. I joke with Tricia Helfer all the time that she’s my muscle.
Katee Sackhoff
I was drawn to it much to my father’s dismay. He wanted me to be a pianist like he was, but I had coarser tastes – like that old joke: What do you call a guy who hangs around with musicians? A drummer.
Miguel Ferrer
You learn to kid around and joke and not take things too seriously because somehow its all gonna work out for the best – or you’re gonna make it work out.
Jack Youngblood
It is a good deed to forget a poor joke.
Brendan Behan
I used to joke that my next book would be about puppies that have lost a chew toy, and everywhere they went, people were nice and gave them things until they found the chew toy.
Don Winslow
I’m infamous, a joke. It doesn’t make me feel good, because I’m a genuine person, but I don’t let it get to me, because I am who I am.
William Hung
Historically, Heathrow has been something of a joke, outweighed by its excellent connections. We have to aspire to having an airport at Heathrow with two runways which is a world-class airport. It’s a big challenge.
Philip Hammond
Divorce is expensive. I used to joke they were going to call it ‘all the money,’ but they changed it to ‘alimony.’ It’s ripping your heart out through your wallet.
Robin Williams
I never smile when I have a bat in my hands. That’s when you’ve got to be serious. When I get out on the field, nothing’s a joke to me. I don’t feel like I should walk around with a smile on my face.
Hank Aaron
The really funny moments you notice throughout your life are very seldom generated by one person telling a joke.
Ronnie Corbett
If something stinks, I say it stinks. But I try to massage it a little and not be as cutting, come behind it with a joke: Hey, I cut you deep, but now let me put a couple of stitches in you.
Wanda Sykes
The moment you think of a joke is the best moment.
Judd Apatow
I want someone that I can have fun with and laugh with. I love to laugh, and I’m really sarcastic, so it’s important that she can take a joke. I think if you are going to be with someone for a while, you really need someone you can let loose with and let go of all the stress of the day.
Matt Lanter
He who does not understand a joke, he does not understand Danish.
Georg Brandes
I think you can safely joke about anything. Mostly.
Katya Zamolodchikova
When you write something, at first you might feel very defensive and protective of every single thing, but after a while, you just see what works and what doesn’t. Sometimes you do test screenings, and an audience tells you that, or sometimes you eventually just go, ‘Let’s cut the joke out.’
Edgar Wright
Making people uncomfortable is one of my hobbies. I’m always hoping that half the people get the joke and the other half are the joke.
Josh Homme
I joke to people in the press that I realize I’m not black, I’m actually white. But I’ve got these roots in black American music. I love it.
Glenn Hughes
I always joke that they’re all like my children, so I love them all, but I would be lying if I didn’t admit that ‘Wonder Woman’ has an affinity for me.
Diane Nelson
As I grow older, I become more and more of a Marxist – Groucho, that is. When you have lived two-thirds of your life, you know the value of a good joke.
Karen DeCrow
I always joke with people that having nephews is the best birth control there is.
Tahj Mowry
The best timed joke or the best timed phrase comes at spontaneous moments and just relies on me as the host to be very quick, and that’s what I do.
Steve Harvey
In earlier comics, my only priority was telling a joke in the last panel, but now I try to make every panel as interesting as possible, and that normally means at least a li’l joke there.
Ryan North
I got an email saying we were nominated for a Grammy, and I instantly thought it was a joke. So I started Googling the nominees, and there we were!
M. Shadows
If I’m getting on an airplane or anywhere, really, I have a lunch box and stuff. It’s a running joke with my friends and family – everyone gives me lunch boxes for Christmas.
Nikki Reed
A comic strip has a rhythm and a pattern, and you got to get in and out quick. So you set up a joke, tell the joke, and done.
Stephan Pastis
We made the joke when we screened ‘Bucket List’ that there was 100% desire to see amongst our demographic with a 40% ability to get them to see it.
Rob Reiner
I’d say I’m moody, I’d say I’m temperamental. But within my certain group of friends and family, I’m very open and outgoing and joke around a lot.
Denny Hamlin
I couldn’t deliver a joke if you asked me to. It would have to be live and spontaneous. And that’s what I was able to have in New York, at 9 o’clock in the morning, and people all over the country seemed to respond to it.
Regis Philbin
I’m pretty equal opportunity when it comes to issues to joke about.
Elayne Boosler
It devastates me now that I have been reduced to a Hollywood statistic – another joke marriage.
Sophia Bush
I guess my feeling is is that if you’re going to make a joke, that’s fine, but you should also sort of stand behind it, you know? A joke should be more than a joke, it should be a point that you’re trying to make.
Adam Carolla
The joke around my office is that I’ve shaken many hands, but I’ve petted more dogs.
Larry Hogan
Art should be serious, not a joke. I don’t like to laugh about art.
Gerhard Richter
I have a file of four million jokes… I have them cross-indexed. Whatever subject you want, I have a joke on it.
Milton Berle
I once told a journalist that girls call me ‘Kitten,’ but I couldn’t have been more sarcastic, and no matter how many times I’ve said that it was a joke, it still doesn’t go away.
Joaquin Phoenix
There’s been lots of theater that uses hip-hop in it, but more often than not, it’s used as a joke – isn’t it hilarious that these characters are rapping. I treat it as a musical form, and a musical form that allows you to pack in a ton of lyric.
Lin-Manuel Miranda
I was making my living from a joke about my appearance that I didn’t understand, and in a way still don’t, because when I look in a mirror it doesn’t seem funny to me.
Wallace Shawn
Some people, they just don’t get a joke.
Glenn Frey
I’d like to think I’d never do a gratuitous fart joke.
Harold Ramis
I always make a joke: ‘Don’t look into the future; it’s too bright.’ That’s as positive as I can be.
Mike Colter
Being on ‘The Office’ prepared me for drama. Comedy got me ready, but once you get down to it, they’re two sides of the same thing. I mean, the delivery has to be different – in drama, there’s more time to breathe, and comedy’s all about hitting the joke.
Craig Robinson
You know how hard it’s been to write material? Because to do stand-up comedy, it takes time for the material to develop. So you’ll come up with a joke, you’ll tweak it, you’ll work it for six months, you really fine tune it, and now you’ve got a good bit. Well, with Trump, every day there’s something new coming out.
Maz Jobrani
I wanted to be clever, but being funny came first. That’s how you know someone is clever. They don’t come out and tell you pi to 13 places – they tell you a joke.
Ricky Gervais
I have a true love for the old style of Catskill comic. There’s a joy in discovering a bad joke… and then there’s the joy of delivering it like, ‘Isn’t this a hacky joke?’
Andy Kindler
Scandinavian-Danish cuisine was something quite rustic, mostly known for pastries and smorgasbord cuisine, which in itself has become a joke.
Rene Redzepi
‘Community’ is a comedy show, and one of the characters happens to be a Christian. I do think they have been very careful to make sure everyone is the butt of the joke for various reasons.
Yvette Nicole Brown
Cigarettes are an instant signifier in culture. It punctuates a joke, or puts that extra zing on a punch line. I like them as a prop. I think it can be really useful for character and texture and contrast and all of that.
Martha Plimpton
I always joke that a makeup-free day is good for the pores.
John King
Just like a comedian has a certain joke or a jazz musician has a riff that they know will get the crowd, a tap dancer always has a step.
Savion Glover
These endless legal challenges that define elections in New York are a joke in this country, and they are the reason why it is so expensive, or one of the reasons, it’s so expensive to run here and why so many people decide not to run.
Michael Bloomberg
Some people will go for the quick joke and not pay attention to the consequences.
John Ross Bowie
When I listen to the complaints that follow just about every presidential debate, I’m reminded of the well-worn joke about the Jewish mother who buys her son two shirts. When he shows up at dinner wearing one, she says: ‘What’s the matter? You didn’t like the other one?’
Jeff Greenfield
Am I over existing or am I over existing? That’s my inside joke.
Ryan Trecartin
Directing a television episode is no joke, and it’s incredibly difficult and especially when you’re acting in it as well.
Brian J. Smith