We’ve sourced some of the most interesting and thought-provoking Funny Quotes from Ken Kesey, George S. Kaufman, Will Rogers, Bob Newhart, Mickey Rooney. Each of the following quotes is overflowing with creativity, and knowledge.
You can’t really be strong until you see a funny side to things.
When I was born I owed twelve dollars.
I never expected to see the day when girls would get sunburned in the places they now do.
Richard Pryor introduced me to the world of the inner city, and the urban world, and did it hysterically. My favorite comedian, even though we work 180 degrees differently, but funny is funny is funny.
I’m the only man in the world with a marriage licence made out to whom it may concern.
I can’t tell if I want to be a rapper who’s funny because I kind of enjoy just doing really stupid songs about nothing. But I want to have a career that’s long-lasting, and I don’t think people want to listen to a straight-up comedy rapper all the time.
Funny is only something that others know about you – you can’t be funny by yourself.
You know being relevant or coming up with something interesting, funny to say about what’s current is just as hard as it might ever be depending on the serendipity of it all.
The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
I’m a funny guy. You’ve got to be able to make fun of yourself. We only live once.
I’m sorry, if you were right, I’d agree with you.
I did this movie called ‘Their Eyes Were Watching God,’ and I was an extra, and it was a movie that Oprah was producing. She had walked by, and I was making all the other extras laugh, and she said, ‘You’re a very funny young lady.’ I was like, ‘Eeeee!’
Macho does not prove mucho.
No man has a good enough memory to be a successful liar.
Do you know, it’s funny, but I never thought of being blind as a disadvantage, and I never thought of being black as a disadvantage.
I saw a stationery store move.
I think the kick to doing comedy is just to get in a film with really funny people and let them do their jobs. I find that in most comedies, I’m not the funny one, which works out great.
Being funny is my biggest differentiator, and I think I’d be a fool not to use that, and there’s nothing I enjoy personally more than making a human being laugh. But then, I also think I have a serious side to me.
Life has a funny way of becoming ordinary as soon as it can.
Crashing is never funny, but sometimes you can jump up, laugh at your stupidity, and go, ‘What the hell was that?’
Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious.
I love shifting between being super cute and aggressive. It’s funny.
It’s a funny thing, the less people have to live for, the less nerve they have to risk losing nothing.
I’m so bad at dancing that I’ve actually been in two movies where the director of the film saw me dancing and thought it was so funny that in one movie they had me do it as the mental dancing of a real simple person. The other one was, like, to-be-laughed-at dancing. That’s how bad my dancing is.
I wanna make a jigsaw puzzle that’s 40,000 pieces. And when you finish it, it says ‘go outside.’
I went to the University of San Francisco on an athletic scholarship. I didn’t study in high school. I was just there to get by and to play basketball. But a funny thing happened to me when I got to college. I got challenged by the work and the professors.
I’ve seen many female comics that a lot of people haven’t heard of who are so funny, and I saw them come up, and they were working so hard, and then all of a sudden they had a baby, and they just got tied up in motherhood, and eventually, they kind of just stopped doing stand-up, and I thought it was such a shame.
You can do anything with bayonets except sit on them.
I can’t tell if I want to be a rapper who’s funny because I kind of enjoy just doing really stupid songs about nothing. But I want to have a career that’s long-lasting, and I don’t think people want to listen to a straight-up comedy rapper all the time.
Life does not cease to be funny when people die any more than it ceases to be serious when people laugh.
It’s a funny old world.
Comedy is surprises, so if you’re intending to make somebody laugh and they don’t laugh, that’s funny.
It’s a funny thing… I started touring at nine or ten years old, and for the first ten, fifteen, almost twenty years of your career, you’re the youngest guy on stage and the youngest guy in the room.
It’s truly a new day ever since we graced the WWE Universe with our presence. Every time we come out there, you see us being funny, having fun, entertaining people and, of course, preaching the power of positivity. That’s what New Day is all about.
Some people say funny things, but I say things funny.
You know how old I am? I’m so old, I remember when Letterman used to be funny and it was presidents who were serious. That’s how old I am.
God hadn’t made me handsome, but he’d given me something, I always felt: funny bones.
Getting fan mail from Brazil is kind of funny.
Boy, those French: they have a different word for everything!
What’s funny is I probably still have some calligraphy business cards floating out in the world, and I can’t wait for someone to call me in a month or something, and say, ‘Can you do these for my son’s Bar Mitzvah?’
I’ve never met a funny person who wasn’t smart. I’ve met a lot of dramatic people who were stupid. But I’ve never met a funny person who wasn’t smart.
Animals are sentient, intelligent, perceptive, funny and entertaining. We owe them a duty of care as we do to children.
Ego is hilarious – especially the vanity of a comedian. As soon as you see one start worrying about how cool he is or about how many stadiums he can fill, he stops being funny.
Older people shouldn’t eat health food, they need all the preservatives they can get.
You win a race, the next race it’s a question mark. Are you still the best or not? That’s what is funny. But that’s what is interesting. And that’s what is challenging. You have to prove yourself every time.
It’s funny, when you have a theme so particular to cows – or it could be anything like hair or nails – when you’re rapping about a specific thing, you can have more punchlines about it.
I know what’s funny, and I probably know the best way to deliver the joke. Whether it’s walking out of a room, facing that way, facing this way. I just have a sense of that.
People are apprehensive about finding ‘The Leftovers’ funny because it’s such a dark circumstance, but I think, really, what the show is about is examining how different people deal with loss. There are elements of humour and levity and irony in that… just like in real life.
Wine is similar to music in that it’s a purely experiential realm, and it’s a purely subjective practice. That’s sort of the funny thing about wine criticism or, for that matter, music criticism. At times, those are useful guides, but ultimately it’s all about how you react to that music or wine.
I realized I was gay in the shower one day with Barbra Streisand. It happened while I was lathering, rinsing, and repeating with Pert Plus. As I was belting out the chorus to my favorite song from ‘Funny Girl,’ ‘Oh my man, I love him so, he’ll never know…’ it hit me.
You know, fame is a funny thing, man, especially, you know, actors, musicians, rappers, rock singers, it’s kind of a lifestyle and it’s easy to get caught up in it – you go to bars, you go to clubs, everyone’s doing a certain thing… It’s tough.
When Jonathan Winters died, it was like, ‘Oh, man!’ I knew he was frail, but I always thought he was going to last longer. I knew him as being really funny, but at the same time, he had a dark side.
People be famous for everything other than music and that’s what they really trying to do. But they don’t know once you get famous for being this funny guy, nobody’s going to take you serious as a musician.
I’m writing a book. I’ve got the page numbers done.
This will sound funny coming out of my mouth, but I like to play characters that have an intelligence. It doesn’t matter if it’s a physical intelligence or emotional intelligence.
I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
Jon Stewart is exactly the same guy he’s always been, only with money. He knows that the moment he really believes he’s important, the funny goes away and he becomes Bill O’Reilly, except shorter and Jewish.
Only the mediocre are always at their best.
A nickel ain’t worth a dime anymore.
Who picks your clothes – Stevie Wonder?
I’m funny. I’m a comedian. I’m not a clown.
If men knew how women pass the time when they are alone, they’d never marry.
It’s funny – almost every comedian that I started out with moved to L.A., except for my two friends Hannibal Buress and Amy Schumer. And my two friends that are doing the best in comedy, the most successful friends I have, are Hannibal Buress and Amy Schumer.
I’m blonde and tanned and normal-sized! I’m sweet, shy, funny, have a big heart and I’m nice – and I like to eat.
I have a wonderful make-up crew. They’re the same people restoring the Statue of Liberty.
The day I made that statement, about the inventing the internet, I was tired because I’d been up all night inventing the Camcorder.
It’s hard to be funny when you have to be clean.
The letters I really love are from young actresses who were worried they had to fit a certain look. They say I’ve opened it up. And I don’t just mean plus-size girls. You can push things now. With all the great performances in ‘Bridesmaids’, it changed how people see funny women.
Why does everyone think the future is space helmets, silver foil, and talking like computers, like a bad episode of Star Trek?
Sex is funny and love is serious.
Being funny is one of my greatest strengths. I can make girls smile when they’re down, and when they’re having a good time, I can carry on the joke.
Comediennes are the lucky ones, because if you’re funny, you can be 125 years old and they will still accept you.
A word to the wise is infuriating.
I’m spending a year dead for tax reasons.
Some guys may play around and say a couple of things, but if I say it, I mean it. I may laugh, it may be funny, but if I say I’m going to get you, I’m going to get you.
A transposable aphorism is a malaise of the urge to be witty, or in other words, a maxim that is untroubled by the fact that the opposite of what it says is equally true so long as it appears to be funny.
I’m a misplaced American, but don’t know where I was misplaced.
I find what I do for a living really funny. I mean, acting is kind of a hilarious thing for a grown man to call a job.
All my children inherited perfect pitch.
The way taxes are, you might as well marry for love.
If you’re naturally kind, you attract a lot of people you don’t like.
My mum passing away wasn’t funny, but that funeral and what I went through, the things that happened, looking back at it, there were funny moments. You have to be strong enough to look back at it, to sit and assess the situation.
I’m, like, super-clumsy and weird and funny and dorky.
I got my sense of humor from my grandmother. You know, my grandmother was very funny.
Funny thing is that the poorer people are, the more generous they seem to be.
I can’t even look at daily comic strips. And I hate sitcoms because they don’t seem like real people to me: they’re props that often say horrible things to each other, which I don’t find funny. I have to feel like they’re real people.
I think it’s a comedian’s job to make everything funny. Nothing is off-limits.
Cure for an obsession: get another one.
I’m the kind of person, if I see something, like a funny video, I want to share it. With Twitter and Tumblr you can do that on a mass scale, and people get to know your personality.
An idea isn’t responsible for the people who believe in it.
If God wanted us to fly, He would have given us tickets.
I think there’s something funny about people who laugh in the face of convention or surprise us morally.
Honestly, I am a very funny person, and I love making others laugh.
It’s funny. All you have to do is say something nobody understands and they’ll do practically anything you want them to.
I definitely started to perform a little bit in middle school, but not the typical musical/play route. I think that I am funny, but it was more of a social thing, where that was my part in my circle of friends.
By all means let’s be open-minded, but not so open-minded that our brains drop out.
Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.
Why do I want to annoy people? Because annoying people is funny.
There’s one thing about baldness, it’s neat.
I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.
People always ask me, ‘Were you funny as a child?’ Well, no, I was an accountant.
It’s a funny thing: You want so badly for people to see what you do – you’re proud of it – and I like the effect that movies have on people. But the attention can also make me uncomfortable.
It’s so different when you change your hair color, you’re treated so differently. It’s a very funny experience. It’s fun – I love changing up my hair.
I had several turtles before they were in. People seemed to think they were funny. Now everyone is wearing them practically every place. I think that’s real fine, but I don’t agree they should go to a formal affair. Turtlenecks with dinner jackets seem ridiculous to me.
Inappropriateness is funny to me. Rudeness is hilarious.
Funny is a good foil. Humor is illuminating, and it also gives you power.
I was the kid next door’s imaginary friend.
Someone said to me at a party once, ‘Oh, yeah, you’re a comedian? Then how come you’re not funny now?’ And I just wanted to say, ‘Well, I’m just going to take this conversation we’re having and then repeat that to strangers, and then that’s the joke. You’re the joke later.’
I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks.
I think it’s funny when people, they try to imitate the ‘Chandelier’ video. I think it’s hilarious.
Everyone has at least one story, and each of us is funny if we admit it. You have to admit you’re the funniest person you’ve ever heard of.
I think it’s great to see how they’ve grown up, not just as actors but as people. They’re still very much the same kids that I met many years ago. They’ve grown up and they are funny and wicked and naughty and bright, and I think as actors their work is just getting better and better. They’ve blossomed.
This is the great thing about Northern Ireland. I walk down the street and people stop me and say things like, ‘I know you. You’re that wee golfer, aren’t you?’ I say, ‘Yeah, that’s me.’ They say, ‘Keep it up, wee man.’ It’s very funny and that’s why I want to stay here as long as possible.
I guess what I always found funny was the human condition.
I have my website, The Ruckus, which is an Internet site, similar to the Funny or Die format, where people post funny videos. I get a chance to rate their videos; they get a chance to blog and kick it with me.
That’s my main flaw: I always think authority figures or my boss is going to think something I do is funny. And usually they don’t.
The first time I sang in the church choir; two hundred people changed their religion.
I think serial monogamy says it all.
Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy.
My father would take me to the playground, and put me on mood swings.
Age is something that doesn’t matter, unless you are a cheese.
Laugh and the world laughs with you, snore and you sleep alone.
I’m thankful for the three ounce Ziploc bag, so that I have somewhere to put my savings.
I grew up as a very sarcastic person. I was always the class clown, and to date girls, I had to be really funny. I was really skinny growing up. I was so thin, I had to run around in the shower to get wet. That kind of thin. So I always had to rely on humor and sarcasm.
It’s funny what a few no-hitters do for a body.
People know me as just this handsome guy – a very handsome guy. But I can also be funny and fun.
As a comedian, it really gelled when I started doing standup. Because standup is so much about bravery, especially in the early days. There is no doubt that it is going to go terribly for you over and over and over again. But you cannot get funny without bombing.
I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career.
It’s funny, because when you’re younger you’re in a rush to be 18 or 21 or whatever. But then you hit 30. And now, the days go by like hours. You think, 40, man, this could be the halfway point. It could be the three-quarters point, you know? Who knows?
Smoking kills. If you’re killed, you’ve lost a very important part of your life.
One of the things I like about acting is that, in a funny way, I come back to myself.
If I had to live my life over, I’d live over a saloon.
I like to play music, and I like to be funny, so I just do both at the same time.
What’s funny is that all the artists I’ve collaborated with, I get this feeling that they want me to win. They’re always asking my opinion, always giving me advice.
Food is an important part of a balanced diet.
Only bad golfers are lucky. They’re the ones bouncing balls off trees, curbs, turtles and cars. Good golfers have bad luck. When you hit the ball straight, a funny bounce is bound to be unlucky.
It’s a real primal thing, watching someone get hurt. It’s funny and accessible.
I love things made out of animals. It’s just so funny to think of someone saying, ‘I need a letter opener. I guess I’ll have to kill a deer.
You know, it wasn’t even that I’m a funny guy, I just loved stand-up comedy and I wanted to do it. It was one of the few things in my life that I knew I was going to be able to do, and I also felt as though I’d be able to do it the way I wanted to do it.
Something that I’ve always been really keen on representing is some honesty with the way that we view ourselves. That’s something I’ve always appreciated watching actors that I’ve looked up to, is when they look like you and me, or they have a funny elbow, or they have, you know, a hairy face.
Money won’t buy happiness, but it will pay the salaries of a large research staff to study the problem.
The reason there are two senators for each state is so that one can be the designated driver.
The funny thing is musicians often love to go to see visual art because you’ve got all these pictures to turn into metaphors.
Racing is a funny industry. One week you can be going terrible and the next week you’re on top of the world. So you just keep showing up: I keep working harder to get more opportunities, but what do you do – that’s life.
All I care about is making jokes that are funny and making people laugh.
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
My parents are both very funny but they’re also relatively soft-spoken, normal human beings while I’m just a lunatic. I don’t know where this loud, ballsy, hammy ridiculousness came from. I’m just glad I followed my goals and my parents did too. It’s not like we even had a plan when I dragged my mom to Los Angeles.
The great thing for me about ‘The Resurrection of Gavin Stone’ is it’s a throwback to the old fashioned Hollywood movie that you can watch with your family, has a message, and is funny and entertaining. They didn’t call them faith-based movies; they just called them good movies.
The best measure of a man’s honesty isn’t his income tax return. It’s the zero adjust on his bathroom scale.
What bothers most critics of my work is the goofiness. One reviewer said I need to make up my mind if want to be funny or serious. My response is that I will make up my mind when God does, because life is a commingling of the sacred and the profane, good and evil. To try and separate them is fallacy.
I’m not funny. What I am is brave.
Everything is funny, as long as it’s happening to somebody else.
If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.
I have a wonderful make-up crew. They’re the same people restoring the Statue of Liberty.
I’m a funny guy. I want people to laugh. I laugh at myself, I make fun of myself. But at the end of the day everything that I say has a message in it.
It’s funny – sometimes when you approach people they get freaked out but occasionally you’ll find a gem who’s unselfconscious in front of the camera.
One man is as good as another until he has written a book.
Men are only as loyal as their options.
We are all here on earth to help others; what on earth the others are here for I don’t know.
I think it’s funny to be delicate with subjects that are explosive.
I tend to head for what’s amusing because a lot of things aren’t happy. But usually you can find a funny side to practically anything.
Any girl can be glamorous. All you have to do is stand still and look stupid.
It’s funny. People often compare me to other humor essayists. They’re usually quite nice comparisons; I will accept those gladly. But I am always sort of appalled at the idea of being lumped with other, more chick-y female writers. And the truth is probably that neither comparison is accurate.
Funny things tend not to happen to me. I am not a natural comic. I need to think about things a lot before I can be even remotely amusing.
God did not intend religion to be an exercise club.
You can crack a joke and make a person smile but it matters a lot when that’s on screen. It can be a very nice joke but if you shoot it badly or the actor gets the timing wrong, it won’t be funny.
Somebody said something funny to me the other day. They said, ‘Wolper, until two weeks ago, your tombstone was going to say, ‘David Wolper, the man who produced ‘Roots.’ I think the tombstone now has a new inscription. It’s going to be ‘David Wolper, the man who produced the opening ceremony of the 1984 Olympics.’
People ask ‘do you make a conscious effort not to swear?’ – if you’re doing silly stuff you’re not tempted to put swearing in. All the comics from my childhood, who were funny without swearing, were the people that influenced me. What I do is quite traditional anyway.
Objectifying is kind of a funny thing. Art is objectification, all art, because you’re taking someone and making them into an object. But people can also talk back more to you when you’re sketching them. They can look at you and say, ‘Oh man, you got me wrong.’
Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?
It’s funny, because I don’t have a very addictive personality in any way except for things like stories or books or movies or TV. I just get, like, completely enamored and lost in that world, especially when one really hits the right way. Like, I just can’t do anything else.
Hurried and worried until we’re buried, and there’s no curtain call, Lifes a very funny proposition after all.
I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.
It’s so funny, I’ve done so many projects where I’ve been interrogated. I guest starred on almost every hour drama, and I’m always the guy they think is the bad guy but then they find out is not.
That’s the funny thing about time. It is only in looking back that it’s easy to connect the dots. To see exactly why everything needed to happen the way that it did.
The trouble with having an open mind, of course, is that people will insist on coming along and trying to put things in it.
I’m attracted to women who are smart and funny and ambitious and have lives of their own and great families. Isn’t that what attracts anyone?
They’re just jokes, people. They can’t all be funny.
Probably spending 12 years at boarding school – comedy became a survival gene. But I think some people are funny right off the bat, as soon as they can speak or be naughty.
I don’t just try to be funny.
I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career.
I’d rather not have a moment when I’m known for my looks; being funny and interesting lasts longer.
The things that make me laugh are considered smart or whatever, I guess. But stuff that’s self-consciously intelligent or self-consciously hip or cool, that doesn’t do it for me either. You just try to be funny.
Prejudice is a great time saver. You can form opinions without having to get the facts.
I guess funny people are attracted to funny people, and then you get comedy marriages.
If at first you don’t succeed… so much for skydiving.
I’m a misplaced American, but don’t know where I was misplaced.
When I started out, everyone seemed to be adopting these names… Johnny Rotten, Sid Vicious. I wasn’t really Rotten or Vicious or Nasty, so I wanted something a bit more funny – yet something that seemed real rock ‘n’ roll… something that acknowledged my ambition.
My mama never wore a pair of pants when I was growing up, and now that’s all she wears. It was so funny for me when I first started seeing Mama wear pants. It was like it wasn’t Mama. Now I’ve bought her many a pantsuit because she just lives in them.
Fashions have done more harm than revolutions.
The reward of energy, enterprise and thrift is taxes.
We are supposed to enjoy the good stuff now, while we can, with the people we love. Life has a funny way of teaching us that lesson over and over again.
Why don’t you get a haircut? You look like a chrysanthemum.
I was the class podiatrist. I never made it to class clown. I wasn’t funny enough. I would examine feet and prescribe and ointment. It was a sad childhood.
I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own.
A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.
I don’t need you to remind me of my age. I have a bladder to do that for me.
You’re unlikely to discover something new without a lot of practice on old stuff, but further, you should get a heck of a lot of fun out of working out funny relations and interesting things.
Whoever is my relative, I will not be nice to them.
I love readings and my readers, but the din of voices of the audience gives me stage fright, and the din of voices inside whisper that I am a fraud, and that the jig is up. Surely someone will rise up from the audience and say out loud that not only am I not funny and helpful, but I’m annoying, and a phony.
The last time I saw him he was walking down lover’s lane holding his own hand.
There is something about sex that always brings out the funny in me. I think it’s because we make such fools of ourselves over it.
Whatever is funny is subversive, every joke is ultimately a custard pie… a dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion.
Some people say funny things, but I say things funny.
To succeed in life, you need three things: a wishbone, a backbone and a funny bone.
My mother and father were very strange people. They tried to be funny which is always very sad to me.
It’s funny how God will change your plans for you when he’s ready.
All generalizations are false, including this one.
Two wrongs don’t make a right, but they make a good excuse.
I call myself the Amusement Park. That’s because I’m funny and scary at the same time.
We want to be funny. We want to make people laugh… We’ll do whatever it takes.
You initially become funny as a kid because you’re looking for attention and love. Psychologists think that’s all to do with mother abandonment. I think John Cleese has his depressions, and Terry Gilliam’s the same. All of us together make one completely insane person.
We know that the nature of genius is to provide idiots with ideas twenty years later.
You can lead a man to Congress, but you can’t make him think.
It’s funny, because there are so many stereotypes out there about actors and movie stars in general, but I’ve had a great opportunity to meet a lot of them, and maybe it’s just because they don’t behave that way around me, but I rarely see that kind of abuse of power.
I’ve always found it easier to be funny than to be serious.
Comedy and tragedy co-exist. You can’t have one without the other. I’m of the school that anything can be funny if seen from a comedic point of view.
I’m funny with food, even if it’s vegan. I like it well well, well, well done. I don’t want anything there that reminds me of blood. I get mine extra well done. That way, when I look at it, I’m like, ‘Okay, cool.’
Looking the way I look, whenever anybody’s looking for a light brown funny guy, I get the call… I’m 100 percent Greek, but I look like I could be Indian or Middle Eastern or Hispanic. If it’s ethnic, they’ll try and put me in it.
Brought up to respect the conventions, love had to end in marriage. I’m afraid it did.
It’s amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.
A transposable aphorism is a malaise of the urge to be witty, or in other words, a maxim that is untroubled by the fact that the opposite of what it says is equally true so long as it appears to be funny.
Eddie Drake is sort of this loose cannon, funny, edgy guy, who has this really foolish, foolish mustache.
When you reminisce, you don’t say, ‘Remember that time you got sued by so-and-so?’ No, you say, ‘Remember when we played here and it was unbelievable, and we went out for that incredible meal and that funny thing happened?’ Those are the important moments.
I’ve always loved ‘Umbrella.’ Funny enough, my ex-husband wrote that, and I’m not saying it was meant for me or anything – people will start twisting this – it is Rihanna’s song! But I’ve always loved it.
I want someone that’s caring, funny, who’s similar to me – who doesn’t take life too seriously – keeps their private life private and is mature!
If at first you don’t succeed… so much for skydiving.
My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.
I gave a funny speech at my wife’s birthday party, and I’m thinking, ‘Hey, I’ve still got it.’
Without hurting anybody, we all tend to laugh at others’ discomfort. When someone slips on a banana skin and falls it’s funny.
Confidence is a funny thing, and sometimes that’s all you need is just that little bit to elevate you to the next level.
I don’t mean to be funny.
I make a point to tweet out really funny comments I get on YouTube videos. I have the most ridiculous ones.
Very often, I don’t make it through moments of recording because it is genuinely funny and absolutely ridiculous that a 60-year-old grown man is making these noises.
I don’t deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don’t deserve that either.
Getting fan mail from Brazil is kind of funny.
I always thought there were two kinds of males in the world: the ones who look good naked and the ones who look funny naked.
I always think everyone else is funnier than me. I look at other comedians and I say, ‘I wish I was that good.’ People think I’m funny, and I say, ‘I’m not.’
Sometimes I’m really funny, sometimes I’m quiet, sometimes I’m shy, but I’m constantly changing.
My goal is really to just make people laugh with integrity, like, with something that I still find funny.
It’s a funny kind of month, October. For the really keen cricket fan, it’s when you discover that your wife left you in May.
I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I’m upside down.
I remember being four or five, not understanding how to be funny, so just going around the house and my mum and dad’s friends, confusing adults by saying weird things.
It’s funny how things change slowly, until the day we realize they’ve changed completely.
There’s a great power in words, if you don’t hitch too many of them together.
When we talk to God, we’re praying. When God talks to us, we’re schizophrenic.
I don’t believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.
I’m funny on camera sometimes. In life, once in a while. Once in a while.
I can speak Esperanto like a native.
Humor has to surprise us; otherwise, it isn’t funny. It’s a death knell for a writer to be labeled a humorist because then it’s not a surprise anymore.
I can’t stress to you enough how much I can relate to teens being cyberbullied. Something that helps me is looking at old videos of me and my friends from middle school, or videos of my family. I love watching funny videos of my favorite people – it really cheers me up.
It just seems to me that there’s no particular reason comedy albums should be dead. There’s a lot to laugh at. We have very funny people, still.
Fame is a funny thing. I like doing normal things. I like going to fairs. I like going to ball games. I like going to Disney World or a big field on the Fourth of July and having picnics with friends. The problem is you’re either worried you’re going to be recognized, or you’re thankful you’re not. It’s always there.
There’s nothing wrong with being shallow as long as you’re insightful about it.
I always thought there were two kinds of males in the world: the ones who look good naked and the ones who look funny naked.
What’s funny is that all the artists I’ve collaborated with, I get this feeling that they want me to win. They’re always asking my opinion, always giving me advice.
You’re only as good as your last haircut.
I want to give kids that fall-off-the-bed-laughing feeling. Either that, or the sixth-grade feeling that life is hard – sometimes unbearably hard – and it is ultimately about death. But in the meantime, life can be really funny, too.
It’s always funny until someone gets hurt. Then it’s just hilarious.
My uncle Sammy was an angry man. He had printed on his tombstone: What are you looking at?
If you take a bunch of superstars and put them in a room where they don’t have their assistants and entourage, it’s funny to see what happens.
My first gigs were at university: I’d dress up as Jesus, jump off a cross and dance to a Mick Jagger song. I don’t know if it was funny or not, but it was a start.
Why do you have to be a nonconformist like everybody else?
Instant gratification takes too long.
Reality is like a doughnut: Everything that is good and funny and juicy is outside the center, which is just emptiness.
I feel like somebody who just is very understanding is my biggest thing – timing is a major issue for me – but also funny! Obviously I want someone really cute and fun and fresh for good Instagram pictures and that just makes me really happy.
If you could cross a lion and a monkey, that’s what I’d be, because monkeys are funny and lions are strong.
All men are equal before fish.
Don’t forget Mother’s Day. Or as they call it in Beverly Hills, Dad’s Third Wife Day.
How long was I in the army? Five foot eleven.
It’s funny – when I first started as an actor, obviously there were long periods of being idle and all you want to do is work. So if I ever get the compulsion to feel like I should complain or feel like I want to take a break, I just remember how I was before and be very grateful for it.
A vegetarian is a person who won’t eat anything that can have children.
Macho does not prove mucho.
The superfluous, a very necessary thing.
I’ve dated some women who have turned me on to some funny things that are strange for men to actually do, but these things have become part of my process. I think the things I do for my appearance help make me look better. I even colour my hair because I like how it makes me look.
If my life wasn’t funny, it would just be true, and that’s unacceptable.
It’s funny, I get a little quieter with time. I don’t want to chase my tail and one day repeat myself and repeat myself and one day have kids going to college and not have memories that I should, because I was too busy doing my thing.
It’s funny, we appear as robots from another world, but what we do, what the robots create, is really human after all.
Too much agreement kills a chat.
Reality continues to ruin my life.
We try to… we are, I suppose to a certain extent all affected and erm, that is both funny and sad I think.
Always remember your kid’s name. Always remember where you put your kid. Don’t let your kid drive until their feet can reach the pedals. Use the right size diapers… for yourself. And, when in doubt, make funny faces.
Maybe I’m delusional but I’m usually funny. It’s not 100% but I have a pretty good batting average.
I think, on the rap side of life, I’ve always been inspired by and respected Missy Elliott for a long time. She’s funny and created an image for herself that was non-sexualized but was really interesting and really cool and really kind of avant-garde in a lot of ways.
Older people shouldn’t eat health food, they need all the preservatives they can get.
The first thing that I learned – and I understood it at a really young age – was that I could get a laugh. Really early. Because my mother and father are funny.
Defy your own group. Rebel against yourself.
I’m like old wine. They don’t bring me out very often – but I’m well preserved.
Turn up the lights. I don’t want to go home in the dark.
I always dreamed about getting on TV and being part of a team – a funny ensemble.
It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person’s plate.
If you’re an aspiring show maker, and you have the means to sit around for a few months, you should be making funny cartoons and uploading them to the internet.
Do not worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older it will avoid you.
It’s funny – when I started acting, I didn’t know I was going to be talking about Asian-American issues so much. You know what, though? It just comes with the territory, being ethnic.
I guess the producers saw me and knew I was literate and I always tried to be alert and it’s funny because you have to have a sharpness to do those shows, especially some of the ones I did in later years.
I like Jacques Derrida; I think he’s funny. I like my philosophy with a few jokes and puns. I know that that offends other philosophers; they think he’s not taking things seriously, but he comes up with some marvellous puns. Why shouldn’t you have a bit of fun while dealing with the deepest issues of the mind?
I used to stutter really badly. Everybody thinks it’s funny. And it’s not funny. It’s not.
Progress might have been alright once, but it has gone on too long.
A funny thing happened to me on the way to the White House.
I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
I grew up in a time when women didn’t really do comedy. You had to be homely, overweight, an old maid, all that. You had to play a stereotype, because very attractive women were not supposed to be funny – because it’s powerful; it’s a threat.
I never thought of myself as like, a funny person.
I’m just an entertainer. All I want to be is funny. I never aspired to play Hamlet.
When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always.
I don’t believe that anybody has come to a conclusion on why something is funny. It’s funny because it’s ridiculous and it’s ridiculous for different reasons at different times.
I can’t prevent myself of being funny.
I bought some batteries, but they weren’t included.
All my life, I always wanted to be somebody. Now I see that I should have been more specific.
I went window shopping today! I bought four windows.
My favorite type of pet has always been a dog. They’re loyal, kind, and offer endless affection. My friend Eric says, ‘The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.’ Funny thought.
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
Drawing on my fine command of the English language, I said nothing.
I had the classic 40 meltdown. I did. It’s embarrassing. It was pretty funny. But then I recovered. To me, it was like a second adolescence. Hormonally, my body was changing, my mind was changing, and so my relationship to myself and the world around me came to this assault of finiteness.
If truth is beauty, how come no one has their hair done in the library?
It’s funny how life works. You end up sometimes back where you started.
I used to work with autistic children, and they said a lot of funny things to me.
I find what I do for a living really funny. I mean, acting is kind of a hilarious thing for a grown man to call a job.
The whole character of Super Dave is a takeoff on people who pontificate. So one thing I never want to do is pontificate why this works, why this is funny. I have no idea what the appeal is. All we are trying to do is make people have a good time and laugh.
I think they should have a Barbie with a buzz cut.
Comedy is learning to be funny, and you learn to be funny in small rooms with young audiences.
The funny thing about cinema is, usually when they do a story that has African Americans in it, there always has to be a white guy who’s the savior.
If you’re funny, if there’s something that makes you laugh, then every day’s going to be okay.
When I read the ‘Ugly Betty’ pilot, I thought, ‘Oh, this part’s funny.’ I said to my husband, ‘I’m going to get it!’ But based on what? All my exquisite comedic work in a Nike commercial?
Forgiveness is a funny thing. It warms the heart and cools the sting.
I realized I was gay in the shower one day with Barbra Streisand. It happened while I was lathering, rinsing, and repeating with Pert Plus. As I was belting out the chorus to my favorite song from ‘Funny Girl,’ ‘Oh my man, I love him so, he’ll never know…’ it hit me.
At some point in the past, it was decided that women in comedy are never supposed to be shown in an unflattering light. But in comedy, you need all of your tools to be funny.
Everything I buy is vintage and smells funny. Maybe that’s why I don’t have a boyfriend.
It takes considerable knowledge just to realize the extent of your own ignorance.
When I was a kid, I never did funny things to get attention. I was never a funny person. I was never, like, ‘Oh, wow. I could say this some day on stage.’
The inventory process and stepping back in your life can sometimes be a very dark process. But it also can be extremely funny and surprising.
I own and operate a ferocious ego.
I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.
I had paralyzing fear as a kid. I couldn’t watch horror movies, nothing. The funny thing is I got so sick of being afraid that I started doing it deliberately and instead of being afraid in my bed I would sit up on my bed and say, ‘ok, come on, show yourself, do it.’
I always tell people that to be the funny person in a Steve Martin movie is like getting a call that Keith Moon wants you to play drums on his record. He should be playing drums on his record.
People think it’s funny that I enjoy dreaming so much. I just use it as a form of entertainment. It’s very private. I don’t see my dreams as separate. I mean, half the time I’m wandering around dreaming anyway.
I was fired from an NBC sitcom called ‘Friends With Benefits.’ I was wrong for the part from the beginning, didn’t even want to audition, and kept thinking, ‘This isn’t funny at all.’
Probably spending 12 years at boarding school – comedy became a survival gene. But I think some people are funny right off the bat, as soon as they can speak or be naughty.
As for me, it is interesting to play a role that is not human; it is nice to be all powerful without fancy action scenes. But, it is not funny to play God, even on film. You don’t speak much and just smile beatifically.
Writing for ‘Rooster’ was a strange experience. It’s funny, once you tap into a voice, words just start to flow. You know when you’ve hit a spirit or captured something.
For 35 years, I was a writer. I wrote a lot of jokes. Some of them weren’t funny. Some of them weren’t appropriate. Some of them were downright offensive. I understand that.
I’m probably not very funny. The scripts just don’t come in, or the ones that do aren’t that good. I suppose I’m just an old drama queen, really.
If love is the answer, could you please rephrase the question?
When we ask for advice, we are usually looking for an accomplice.
Without hurting anybody, we all tend to laugh at others’ discomfort. When someone slips on a banana skin and falls it’s funny.
Me carrying a briefcase is like a hotdog wearing earrings.
There’s only one true superpower amongst human beings, and that is being funny. People treat you differently if you can make them laugh.
I have Slavic fat pads that make me look like a chipmunk and arched predatory eyebrows. With that, you’re not going to get funny. That’s why I play so many bad guys.
Pete Davidson – he’s in the movie ‘Trainwreck.’ He has a small part in it. I told Lorne Michaels about him, said he was really funny.
My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She’s ninety-seven now, and we don’t know where the hell she is.
It’s funny how most people love the dead, once you’re dead, you’re made for life.
That’s why ‘Gangnam Style’ works. If someone handsome uses that phrase it’s just awkward. But if someone like me uses it, it’s funny.
Who knew Rob Lowe was funny? On ‘Parks and Rec,’ we’ve got some of the funniest comedy writers, some of the funniest comedians in the world working there. And if anything, we don’t just effuse to one another and be like, ‘Oh, Rob Lowe’s really funny,’ if he wasn’t.
There’s a lot more to me than just funny.
Let’s have some new cliches.
Books are funny little portable pieces of thought.
Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.
I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight.
Letterman is very intimidating because he’s so funny, so you have to be really prepared. Also, he’s a little squeamish about certain things, so you have to always be on guard to please him.
Since childhood, I’ve been a clown. I’ve always liked being very funny or trying to make people laugh. It’s my original self.
A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, ‘At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas.’
But I think you can make fun of anything as long as it’s funny enough.
Yes, we do defend our office as we do defend our homes. This is a constitutional right everybody has, and nothing’s funny about that. The only reason they get mad at the Black Panther Party when you do it is for the simple reason that we’re political.
Never put a sock in a toaster.
A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours.
She was a handsome woman of forty-five and would remain so for many years.
How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.
There are a lot of funny things that happen in one’s life.
I have gotten a couple of letters meant for Mr. Bean aka Rowan Atkinson. These letters would say things like, ‘You’re so funny, you make me laugh, with your big rubbery face,’ and I would say, ‘You can’t mean me!’
I’ve always believed that there are funny people everywhere, but they’re just not comedians. In fact, some of my best comedic inspirations were not professional entertainers.
An optimist is a fellow who believes a housefly is looking for a way to get out.
I don’t deserve any credit for turning the other cheek as my tongue is always in it.
To be or not to be. That’s not really a question.
There have been times when I felt suicidal and I would stop my head from going in that direction of negativity because I thought there’d be something I’d miss that was funny in the future. If there’s a chance I’m going to laugh tomorrow then want to live to experience that.
Actually being funny is mostly telling the truth about things.
I grew up playing hockey and some football, and I always think about the first time you walk into the locker room on a new team. The cliques are looking at you funny, and you make one friend, but then they’re trying to stab you in the back.
I hate to say it but I hate black humor. I feel like a Klan member saying it, but it’s just not funny.
I have a new philosophy. I’m only going to dread one day at a time.
Funny is not a color. Being black is only good from the time you get from the curtain to the microphone.
Sausages are just funny. I don’t know why. I can’t explain it.
All my children inherited perfect pitch.
What I am looking for is a blessing not in disguise.
We’ll love you just the way you are if you’re perfect.
When you’re small, you either are funny, or you get beat up a lot.
I want to push that no matter what race you are, you’re never just a sidekick or broken character. You’re the main character, you’re the funny character, you can be whatever you want.
I’m funny on camera sometimes. In life, once in a while. Once in a while.
Never have more children than you have car windows.
I love Adele. Adele is my favorite artist. She’s British. She’s funny. She’s just an amazing, incredible voice, and I love to sing as well.
Harry Reid is not funny; he’s creepy. Nancy Pelosi is creepy. Charles Schumer is sneaky and creepy.
A joke is just a paintbrush. It takes someone funny to paint something beautiful.
Children are the most honest critics. They will say ‘You’re funny’, but also ‘You’re pathetic – go away.’
This suspense is terrible. I hope it will last.
It’s a weird thing. Rick Springfield wrote ‘Jessie’s Girl,’ and he probably gets sick of talking about ‘Jessie’s Girl.’ The thing is, I didn’t write ‘Blurred Lines.’ I didn’t direct the music video. I’m really happy for the success, but it is kind of a funny thing to follow me around.
I detest jokes – when somebody tells me one, I feel my IQ dropping; the brain cells start to disappear. But something is funny when the person delivering the line doesn’t know it’s funny or doesn’t treat it as a joke. Maybe it comes from a place of truth, or it’s a sort of rage against society.
When I’m on stage, it’s really intense. My mind is going a million miles an hour, trying to remember my act, trying to say it all the right way. It’s funny how different it looks and how it’s happening. There are three Fellini circuses in my head, and outwardly it looks like I’m going to get a bagel.
To label me an intellectual is a misunderstanding of what that is.
Seeing the funny side of life is useful, and I’ve always had a sense of humour.
I love airports because funny things always happen at them. They’re giant complexes full of urgency, seriousness, and confusion. Where am I supposed to be? Which way do I go? And that’s just the staff.
I have a very low level of recognition, which is fine by me.
Chaos in the midst of chaos isn’t funny, but chaos in the midst of order is.
I was the kind nobody thought could make it. I had a funny Boston accent. I couldn’t pronounce my R’s. I wasn’t a beauty.
Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear but forgetting where you heard it.
It’s funny – if you impersonate somebody, they have no idea it’s them.
The easiest time to be funny is during a fairly serious situation. That way, you can break the ice. It’s crazy, but even at funerals, people will get huge laughs.
I know I’m more on television, and I’m more recognisable than maybe even the players because they run and train, but I just stand there, and my face does all these funny things that everyone can see all the time.
It’s funny, but you get to a time in your life when you think you have all the friends you will ever have.
What’s funny is that the idea of popularity – even the use of the word ‘popular’ – is something that had been mostly absent from my life since junior high. In fact, the hallmark of life after junior high seemed to be the shedding of popularity as a central concern.
I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass.
I know that I’m going to die and that you’re going to die. I can’t do anything about that. But I can explore it through a metaphor and make a kind of funny, dark story about it, and in doing so, really exhaust and research as many aspects of it as I can imagine. And in a way, that does give me some closure.
He was like a cock who thought the sun had risen to hear him crow.
From the first time I saw Sid Caesar be funny I knew that’s what I had to do.
I don’t think I’m that funny.
Apparently, my father was funny. I didn’t really know him, but people have theories that the gag-smith gene trickles down through the blood amongst other terrible traits like a big nose and a temper.
Who included me among the ranks of the human race?
As far as I’m concerned, ‘whom’ is a word that was invented to make everyone sound like a butler.
My dad has blond hair, my grandmother has blue eyes. My daughter has blue eyes and blond hair. So it is pretty funny to me that I’m so heavily identified as an Asian person.
One of the disadvantages of wine is that it makes a man mistake words for thoughts.
It’s a funny thing, life… as much as you don’t want the sun to come up, it comes up the next day. Life continues on and you have to make a choice in how you handle it.
Hurried and worried until we’re buried, and there’s no curtain call, Lifes a very funny proposition after all.
I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something is wrong with me.
It’s so funny, this thing of ‘overnight success.’ I’ve been doing this for 20 years, but yes, sure, it happened overnight!
Television has brought back murder into the home – where it belongs.
I love fools’ experiments. I am always making them.
A woman’s mind is cleaner than a man’s: She changes it more often.
It’s funny how all of this has worked out – I wasn’t popular in high school, but now every drunken guy in the United States wants to be my pal. They all want to buy me a shot, and pretty soon I’m throwing up.
It’s hard to lead a cavalry charge if you think you look funny on a horse.
The funny thing about history is that we imagine that people didn’t laugh in the old days, but of course they did, at stupid things.
There is nothing funny about Halloween. This sarcastic festival reflects, rather, an infernal demand for revenge by children on the adult world.
Well, I had said to my friends, it’s going to be good, but I bet it’s going to be cheesy in a way. And I didn’t think that at all. It’s so good and was just so funny.
If two wrongs don’t make a right, try three.
Show me one guy or woman as funny as Rodney Dangerfield or as good as George Carlin, Richard Pryor, Bill Cosby, or Joan Rivers. There are a lot of good comics out there, no doubt, but as far as the quality of the comics goes, I think what you have is a bunch of situational comics.
He looks as though he’s been weaned on a pickle.
There are so many funny women in the world, and there has been for so many years, so I’ll be happy when people can just move on from that, and things can just be ‘comedies’ and not ‘female’ or ‘male,’ and everyone gets an equal opportunity.
I’d like to kiss ya, but I just washed my hair.
The chief function of the body is to carry the brain around.
It’s true; I have a skill and it’s… it has not related to acting, it’s not related to auditions, it’s not related to studios, not related to public whim. It’s whether I’m funny or not and whether I can entertain people.
If you’re talking about Java in particular, Python is about the best fit you can get amongst all the other languages. Yet the funny thing is, from a language point of view, JavaScript has a lot in common with Python, but it is sort of a restricted subset.
I direct with energy. I believe in energy. I think energy is an electric thing in actors. I try to inspire, encourage, and make choices with lots of energy. And truth. I’m big fan of truth and being funny. I like leading 50 people into battle every day.
I just always remember there being an ability to amuse schoolmates. Not in a kind of ‘dance-around-at-the-front-of-the-room-with-his-trousers-off’ way, but probably with a sardonic quip. I remember getting a school report that said something like, ‘Steve’s good, but he tries to see the funny side in everything.’
I love sprinting, but I hate long-distance running. Isn’t that funny?
Experience is what you have after you’ve forgotten her name.
If I find something funny and make an older woman laugh, I love that for some reason.
When you see things upside down, the ego can be extraordinarily funny; it’s absurd. But it’s tragic at the same time.
Being a funny person does an awful lot of things to you. You feel that you mustn’t get serious with people. They don’t expect it from you, and they don’t want to see it. You’re not entitled to be serious, you’re a clown.
I read that John Hughes script for ‘Mr. Mom,’ and I thought, ‘This guy is a funny writer.’ I went: ‘You ought to stick around and direct this thing.’ But he didn’t; he left, and look what he became. A really legendary comedy director.
I like to be funny. I can’t stay all the time focused, disciplined, controlled. Behaviour like that is impossible. If the players are too nervous before a game, I have to relax them, calm them.
When I go to a bar, I don’t go looking for a girl who knows the capital of Maine.
It’s funny, I guess when I was growing up, I didn’t really think about being an instrumentalist, per se. I didn’t think, well, I want to be a piano player, or, I want to be a guitar player, or even, I want to be a singer. I just wanted to be a musician.
It may sound funny, but I love the South. I don’t choose to live anywhere else. There’s land here, where a man can raise cattle, and I’m going to do it some day.
I enjoy doing comedy that is why I pursue it. I believe that life is hard enough already and full of drama so I find things that are funny to use as material.
Coach Blatt is very, very knowledgeable about the game. And it just goes to show you that no matter where you’re at, he knows as much about basketball as anyone. You learn a lot from him. And he’s a very charming guy, very personable. He’s pretty funny, too.
I find, when you’re an optimist, life has a funny way of looking after you.
I love nerds. Comic-Con junkies are the tastemakers of tomorrow. Isn’t that funny? The tables have turned.
Don’t send funny greeting cards on birthdays or at Christmas. Save them for funerals, when their cheery effect is needed.
To me, the funniest American of the Twentieth Century is Richard Nixon because he had the most to hide, and he was so bad at hiding it. To me, that’s what’s really funny – people who think they’re doing a great job of hiding stuff, and it just keeps leaking out.
Gambling: The sure way of getting nothing for something.
In the U.K. and Ireland, crowd-work is a big thing. It shows you how funny someone would be if you met them off-stage. Americans don’t care if you’re funny off-stage. They want to see the writing; they want to see the work you did.
When I do a voiceover now, there are always a few people I’ve borrowed bits off, whether it’s their hats or facial hair, who’ll say: ‘That’s so funny; it’s obviously based on this guy.’ You think, ‘It ain’t: it’s you.’ Actors never think characters are based on them.
Food, love, career, and mothers, the four major guilt groups.
Why don’t you get out of that wet coat and into a dry martini?
It’s such a funny thing when you see your daughter transitioning from your baby, your little girl, to suddenly being a young woman. If you’re not really looking for it, you can miss it, and Lily-Rose is on that road already, and there’s nothing I can do to stop it.
I would talk in iambic pentameter if it were easier.
Funny things happen to you in movies for silly reasons.
In ‘The Sound of Music,’ I was a von Trapp daughter in a white dress with a blue satin sash, and my line was, ‘I’m Brigitta. I’m 12, and all I want is a good time.’ I got a laugh. And I was so delighted, I laughed, too. Sadly, that’s a problem I still have – onstage, I laugh hysterically at how funny I am.
My mother and father were very strange people. They tried to be funny which is always very sad to me.
As far as I’m concerned, ‘The Caretaker’ is funny up to a point. Beyond that, it ceases to be funny, and it was because of that point that I wrote it.
The men I idolized built their bodies and became somebody – like Sylvester Stallone and Arnold Schwarzenegger – and I thought, ‘That can be me.’ So I started working out. The funny thing is I didn’t realize back then that I was having a defining moment.
I have a memory like an elephant. I remember every elephant I’ve ever met.
If I knew for a certainty that a man was coming to my house with the conscious design of doing me good, I should run for my life.
Progress was all right. Only it went on too long.
There have been times when I felt suicidal and I would stop my head from going in that direction of negativity because I thought there’d be something I’d miss that was funny in the future. If there’s a chance I’m going to laugh tomorrow then want to live to experience that.
I grew up in Europe, where the history comes from.
If it weren’t for Philo T. Farnsworth, inventor of television, we’d still be eating frozen radio dinners.
The best ideas come as jokes. Make your thinking as funny as possible.
I don’t think the public is dying to see me necessarily be funny all the time.
Never fight an inanimate object.
My theory is that all of Scottish cuisine is based on a dare.
He looks as though he’s been weaned on a pickle.
Playing video games, as funny as it might sound, it’s a very important part of our day. Our schedule is so hectic, chaotic, demanding that we need an outlet. We need ways to express ourselves and let our energy out.
I was asked to act when I couldn’t act. I was asked to sing ‘Funny Face’ when I couldn’t sing, and dance with Fred Astaire when I couldn’t dance – and do all kinds of things I wasn’t prepared for. Then I tried like mad to cope with it.
The middle class is so funny, it’s the class I know best, and it’s the class where you find the most pretension, so that’s what makes the middle classes so funny.
To me, writing is remembering something funny that happened, or maybe something I said seven years ago.
Be obscure clearly.
You can’t be a real spy and have everybody in the world know who you are and what your drink is. That’s just hysterically funny.
There’s no such thing as soy milk. It’s soy juice.
I was eating in a Chinese restaurant downtown. There was a dish called Mother and Child Reunion. It’s chicken and eggs. And I said, I gotta use that one.
I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly.
What’s another word for Thesaurus?
A lot of people don’t think of my work as being all that funny, but I think it’s hilarious!
Nobody ever went broke underestimating the taste of the American public.
Working with Julie Andrews is like getting hit over the head with a valentine.
I know there’s a CSI game. I’ve never seen it, though, so I’m not really sure. I hope it’s interesting. I hope that they’ve done a good job making it, but because I’ve never seen it, the jury is still out on whether it’s interesting or not. But it is funny to imagine that it’s been turned into a game.
Weather forecast for tonight: dark.
I can be dramatic. I can be funny. I can be sexy. I can be sad. I can be glad.
Include me out.
Mom was so funny and loving to us kids. She was our first audience. When my dad died, I was suddenly alone in the house with her because my two older brothers were away at college. I was the man of the house, and she was the grieving woman.
From my perspective, probably women are won over by people who are sweet and respectful and courteous and kind and funny. I think those are the things that win women over.
I always ended up having the funny part in Shakespeare, but I really thought I’d be doing theater. That was my ambition for myself.
I always tell people that to be the funny person in a Steve Martin movie is like getting a call that Keith Moon wants you to play drums on his record. He should be playing drums on his record.
A pessimist is a person who has had to listen to too many optimists.
Someone said to me at a party once, ‘Oh, yeah, you’re a comedian? Then how come you’re not funny now?’ And I just wanted to say, ‘Well, I’m just going to take this conversation we’re having and then repeat that to strangers, and then that’s the joke. You’re the joke later.’
It’s funny, because I have periods where I just kind of go dark. I don’t tweet, I don’t talk, I don’t interview, and then I have times where I do.
I wasn’t close to my father, but I wanted to be all my life. He had a funny sense of humor, and he laughed all the time – good and loud, like I do. He was a gay Irish gentleman and very good-looking. And he wanted to be close to me, too, but we never had much time together.
There’s something very authentic about humor, when you think about it. Anybody can pretend to be serious. But you can’t pretend to be funny.
I could sooner reconcile all Europe than two women.
In terms of the creative side of it, it’s really been a thing where you come up with the funny stuff is usually at a bar or out talking to people or whatever.
I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.
Every cloud has its silver lining but it is sometimes a little difficult to get it to the mint.
It’s funny, I used to say on ‘That 70’s Show’, you could really put us in any decade, and it was about the people and the characters and that we cared about each other.
It is even harder for the average ape to believe that he has descended from man.
I know my strong points: I work hard, I have talent, I’m funny, and I’m a good person.
It all started when my dog began getting free roll over minutes.
Once you get past funny, my other qualities are so below average. It’s not like I’m handy.
Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who would want to live in an institution?
The funny thing about insane people is that it is kind of the opposite of being a celebrity. Nobody envies you.
Life goes by fast. Enjoy it. Calm down. It’s all funny. Next. Everyone gets so upset about the wrong things.
Be stupid, be dumb, be funny, if that’s who you are. Don’t try to be someone that society wants you to be; that’s stupid. So be yourself.
Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8? That joke came off the top of my head, and the top of my head ain’t funny!
After all is said and done, sit down.
Coach Blatt is very, very knowledgeable about the game. And it just goes to show you that no matter where you’re at, he knows as much about basketball as anyone. You learn a lot from him. And he’s a very charming guy, very personable. He’s pretty funny, too.
I became good friends with Jack Whitehall. I think he’s great, such a great dude, and really funny.
I find it so funny that people find me so interesting.
I write what I think is funny and I write from a sense of popping a balloon or a sense of injustice, whether it’s about yourself, or whether it’s about something else. It’s my worldview; it doesn’t mean that everybody has to agree with it.
People say that life is the thing, but I prefer reading.
Most comedy is based on getting a laugh at somebody else’s expense. And I find that that’s just a form of bullying in a major way. So I want to be an example that you can be funny and be kind, and make people laugh without hurting somebody else’s feelings.
No one remembers this because it’s the whipping boy, but ‘The Single Guy’ was very well-reviewed and watched, and then the central concept became attacked by the very people who were putting it on. And then the next thing you know you’re running in fear, and everyone stops being funny.
Humor has become so cliche and boring that nothing’s funny anymore unless it involves something totally disgusting that offends somebody or makes them feel really uncomfortable.
I was so naive as a kid I used to sneak behind the barn and do nothing.
In person, RuPaul is warm, funny, personable – someone who thoroughly enjoys life.
I just find all that stuff incredibly funny. I love a fart. I’d do anything for a good poo story.
I love funny Instagram filters. Where your face changes; your eyes become big, your mouth becomes protruded. I love all of that.
People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.
My definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger.
It’s a different world: when I’m writing ‘Toast,’ I’ve got one foot in 1974 and one foot in the modern day, because the modern day is nowhere near as funny or interesting.
When you’re in love it’s the most glorious two and a half days of your life.
From there to here, and here to there, funny things are everywhere.
I mean, sometimes… a comedian becomes an actor, and they just don’t deliver, because the bottom line of comedy is to be funny, and the bottom line of acting is to be truthful, and they get that mixed up sometimes, or don’t even notice that that’s the thing.
I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house.
I’ve dated some women who have turned me on to some funny things that are strange for men to actually do, but these things have become part of my process. I think the things I do for my appearance help make me look better. I even colour my hair because I like how it makes me look.
One time I went into a restroom and a girl followed me in. I signed an autograph for her in the sink. It was pretty funny because she was in a guy’s restroom and she wasn’t embarrassed at all.
George Carlin maintained that anything and everything is funny given the right context. This context also includes your own history with a given group. What I can get away with and where I can go is not a problem with my audience because they know me.
I think nudity is funny, especially when it’s inappropriate.
Yes, I see the Mobile Base System really is the shoulder of the arm. The arm is right there, like a human arm. It’s really funny to look at the similarities between a human arm and the Canadian robotics arm.
Design is a funny word. Some people think design means how it looks. But of course, if you dig deeper, it’s really how it works.
Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?
All these jokes have been pre-approved as funny by me.
The human brain is a funny thing: it’s very susceptible to tempo and melody. You put the right words to it, and it becomes very influential.
A sponge is a funny animal to center a show on. At first, I drew a few natural sponges – amorphous shapes, blobs – which was the correct thing to do biologically as a marine science teacher. Then I drew a square sponge, and it looked so funny.
Expert: a man who makes three correct guesses consecutively.
Comedy is a tool of togetherness. It’s a way of putting your arm around someone, pointing at something, and saying, ‘Isn’t it funny that we do that?’ It’s a way of reaching out.
In person, RuPaul is warm, funny, personable – someone who thoroughly enjoys life.
I am certain there is too much certainty in the world.
‘Dirty Rotten Scoundrels’ is a good one because it not only turned out, I think, to be a really funny movie but it was also a delight to shoot. We were in the South of France, working with Glenne Headly and Michael Caine and Frank Oz the director – who were just fun.
The funny thing about directing is that you have your own opinions, but it’s a collaboration. Directing is a group effort. Even though you might think something works, the smartest thing you can do as a director is try and weigh the opinions of the people around you.
My mother was against me being an actress – until I introduced her to Frank Sinatra.
If you could kick the person in the pants responsible for most of your trouble, you wouldn’t sit for a month.
Funny is funny. I dare anyone to look at Tim Conway and Harvey Korman doing the dentist sketch, which is more than 40 years old, and not scream with laughter.
I’m going to do the old ‘plaster removal’ technique and just get the pain over with in one go: ‘Life’s Too Short’ isn’t funny to me.
Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please.
I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.
I love to go to Washington – if only to be near my money.
O Lord, help me to be pure, but not yet.
I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn’t it.
It was the most fun I’ve ever had on a movie. It was one of the happiest times in my life. I was living in New York, and I really enjoyed acting at the time. Also, it’s funny because that was also the time when I went downhill.
If I had to live my life again, I’d make the same mistakes, only sooner.
What I do onstage, there’s maybe .0001 percent of the population that acts like that. I talk like that because it makes me laugh, and because I know a couple of people that talk like that. They’re really that Southern. And they do funny things. I love ’em; they’re awesome. They’re good people.
It’s funny, as you live through something you’re not aware of it.
Nothing’s funny about someone who’s successful.
I’ve never worked in my natural accent, having studied so hard to get rid of it when I moved to England as a child where I was bullied at school for ‘talking funny.’
I’m not funny in person. I mean I’m really not. I’m one of those people who always screw up anecdotes.
You can hate me for being a woman, you can hate me for being smart, you can hate me for being funny, but you hate me because I am doing something you could never do. End of story.
It was a scandal when I did French ‘Playboy’ in 2008, though I was never actually nude in it. I think it’s really funny that I’ll have a cover of ‘Playboy’ to show my grandkids.
I never said most of the things I said.
Progress is man’s ability to complicate simplicity.
Everything seems fine until you’re about 40. Then something is definitely beginning to go wrong. And you look in the mirror with your old habit of thinking, ‘While I accept that everyone grows old and dies, it’s a funny thing, but I’m an exception to that rule.’
Part of my act is meant to shake you up. It looks like I’m being funny, but I’m reminding you of other things. Life is tough, darling. Life is hard. And we better laugh at everything; otherwise, we’re going down the tube.
I wasn’t even 20 at the time, but it taught me something about drugs. They can take a good man, a warm, funny, loving family man, and turn him into a loser and worse.
I always have a funny story at communion time that underscores that no one is perfect, and that communion is not for perfect people but for hungry people.
I don’t say things to be offensive; I say things because they’re funny to me. It amuses me.
Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before.
I did a lot of serious plays, and I did the Oxford Review as well, which is supposed to be funny, but I’m not sure how funny we were when we did it. Then, when I finished my course, it was only then that I decided to go to drama school and try and do acting because I was enjoying it so much and so on.
I think being funny is not anyone’s first choice.
It’s funny when people say, ‘I don’t think Julia likes me.’ Honey, if I don’t like you, you’re going to know about it.
I’m undaunted in my quest to amuse myself by constantly changing my hair.
It seems like everybody’s perception of me is very bipolar. To one group, it’s overpaid, overrated; to another group, it’s underpaid, underrated, underdog. It’s funny to me because there’s no real balance.
I think the Cold War works as a great analogy or simile for different kinds of conflict. It’s funny, when you look back at it, it’s one of the last times that the boundaries were clear. Now, as we see on ‘Homeland,’ there are no clear boundaries and enemies.
Eddie Murphy said once in an interview that nothing is offensive if it’s funny. I sort of agree with that, but if something’s funny and you’re the subject of it, sometimes it’s more offensive. If someone’s insulting you, you want them to sound like an idiot.
A government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul.
God writes a lot of comedy… the trouble is, he’s stuck with so many bad actors who don’t know how to play funny.
What is funny is when you do a futuristic movie, you immediately get to be fashionable because you’re creating something that doesn’t exist.
When ‘Mean Girls’ came out, I was 15. So I saw that movie and was like, ‘That is so funny.’ But it still has that fluffy, happy ending, and that doesn’t happen in high school.
You shouldn’t get too close to the truth, because then maybe you stop being funny.
They say Yogi Berra is funny. Well, he has a lovely wife and family, a beautiful home, money in the bank, and he plays golf with millionaires. What’s funny about that?
One funny thing is, though, I wear my watch on my right hand and I’m actually right-handed. People always wonder why – I don’t know myself, I’ve just always done it that way and I like it the way a good watch fits on my right wrist.
There are many Bollywood actresses who work in the South and speak Tamil or Malayalam, and though it is correct, we find it funny sometimes.
It’s been very funny to try to act like an adult. Even getting dressed. Every day, I’m like, ‘Should I wear a blazer and walk around with an umbrella? Do I carry a briefcase?’ Because I’m trying to be some image of the adults I saw on TV growing up.
I’m, like, super-clumsy and weird and funny and dorky.
If a cluttered desk is the sign of a cluttered mind, what is the significance of a clean desk?
Certainly there are things in life that money can’t buy, but it’s very funny – Did you ever try buying them without money?
When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That’s relativity.
That’s what you don’t see about coach Saban. He’s a very funny guy.
Miami Beach is where neon goes to die.
If you want to be thought a liar, always tell the truth.
The funny response to ‘One Mississippi’ continues to be that people don’t know what is true and what’s fiction.
I have an unfortunate personality.
I failed to make the chess team because of my height.
I have been working as an actor for 16-17 years now. The funny thing is I still feel awkward in communicating with the public as a star. It hasn’t been long since my drama ‘Goblin’ ended, and I’m looking forward for some time to rest.
I can’t be funny if my feet don’t feel right.
Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?
If this is coffee, please bring me some tea; but if this is tea, please bring me some coffee.
There’s a fine line between angry and grumpy. Angry isn’t nice, but grumpy is funny.
I’d love to do something funny. Our work often deals with tough subjects. You do your research and it can be quite dark. So after all these years of drama, I’d like to go to work someday with the sole intention of making people laugh.
I’m thankful for the three ounce Ziploc bag, so that I have somewhere to put my savings.
I quit therapy because my analyst was trying to help me behind my back.
Every man’s dream is to be able to sink into the arms of a woman without also falling into her hands.
We owe to the Middle Ages the two worst inventions of humanity – romantic love and gunpowder.
The last time I saw him he was walking down lover’s lane holding his own hand.
