Andy Rooney Quotes

A writer’s job is to tell the truth.

I obviously have a knack for getting on paper what a lot of people have thought and didn’t realize they thought. And they say, ‘Hey, yeah!’ And they like that.

If dogs could talk it would take a lot of the fun out of owning one.

Anyone who watches golf on television would enjoy watching the grass grow on the greens.

The Super Bowl isn’t for kids, I had a great time though and it was worth every nickel of it because by doing this lame piece about the game I can put it on my expense account.

Don’t rule out working with your hands. It does not preclude using your head.

If you smile when no one else is around, you really mean it.

When those waiters ask me if I want some fresh ground pepper, I ask if they have any aged pepper.

Death is a distant rumor to the young.

The closing of a door can bring blessed privacy and comfort – the opening, terror. Conversely, the closing of a door can be a sad and final thing – the opening a wonderfully joyous moment.

Nothing in fine print is ever good news.

I like ice hockey, but it’s a frustrating game to watch. It’s hard to keep your eyes on both the puck and the players and too much time passes between scoring in hockey. There are usually more fights than there are points.

Let’s make a statement to the airlines just to get their attention. We’ll pick a week next year and we’ll all agree not to go anywhere for seven days.

The average bright young man who is drafted hates the whole business because an army always tries to eliminate the individual differences in men.

Most of us end up with no more than five or six people who remember us. Teachers have thousands of people who remember them for the rest of their lives.

People will generally accept facts as truth only if the facts agree with what they already believe.

Vegetarian – that’s an old Indian word meaning lousy hunter.

I just wish we knew a little less about his urethra and a little more about his arms sales to Iran.

I’m in a position of feeling secure enough so that I can say what I think is right and if so many people think it’s wrong that I get fired, well, I’ve got enough to eat.

I didn’t get old on purpose, it just happened. If you’re lucky, it could happen to you.

As an old reporter, we have a few secrets, and the first thing is we try the phone book.

Taxes are important. President Bush’s tax proposals leave no rich person behind. Voters approve of President Bush helping the kind of people they wish they were one of.

All men are not created equal but should be treated as though they were under the law.

The world must be filled with unsuccessful musical careers like mine, and it’s probably a good thing. We don’t need a lot of bad musicians filling the air with unnecessary sounds. Some of the professionals are bad enough.

Figure skating is an unlikely Olympic event but its good television. It’s sort of a combination of gymnastics and ballet. A little sexy too which doesn’t hurt.

I hope all of you are going to fill out your census form when it comes in the mail next month. If you don’t return the form the area you live in might get less government money and you wouldn’t want that to happen, would you.

Writers don’t retire. I will always be a writer.

I don’t think the government is out to get me or help someone else get me but it wouldn’t surprise me if they were out to sell me something or help someone else sell me something. I mean, why else would the Census Bureau want to know my telephone number?

We need people who can actually do things. We have too many bosses and too few workers.

One of the most glorious messes in the world is the mess created in the living room on Christmas day. Don’t clean it up too quickly.

I don’t pick subjects as much as they pick me.

We’re all proud of making little mistakes. It gives us the feeling we don’t make any big ones.

Making duplicate copies and computer printouts of things no one wanted even one of in the first place is giving America a new sense of purpose.